So Dwight Howard left 30 million on the table and an extra year of guaranteed money to play for the Houston Rockets. Good for him, now the Staples Center can go back to playing: “Me and My Bitch” every time Kobe rips apart his old whipping boy Pau Gasol.
Nobody talks about it but has anyone mentioned that Dwight Howard left LA because he finds the city more annoying than Kobe’s tweets that quote glamorized slave driving visionaries like Steve Jobs in order to justify his asshole persona as a means to victory.
It has to be beyond annoying to play with Kobe whether you’re big Dwight Dud or not. The six-time NBA legend is a better looking, bigger balling Eddie Murphy that’s fluent in Italian that grew up among basketball royalty to become the biggest swinging dick in LA since Dirk Diggler which is way more glamorous than MJ being the Sausage King of Chicago.
Now don’t get me wrong, Kobe has expressed appreciation for his supporting cast in the past and hasn’t made it out like he was the stand alone giant responsible for his larger than life legend in the sunshine state unlike Steve Jobs who in his time doled out employee compliments as often as he doled out cash for a new pair of jeans. During the Laker’s latest championship run, I remember the self proclaimed Mamba telling a reporter that Pau Gasol was “great” and doesn’t nearly get the credit he deserves. How’s that for a piece of humble county pie, Laker hater nation?
Knowing that Kobe holds Pau is such a high regard only reinforces why he rides him the hardest because deep down he knows that’s he got the heart of a champion and greatness within him. Enough with the all stupid Alpha dog analogies involving Kobe that are more played out than Bill Simmons smarmy, I know better than you because I wrote the Book of Basketball shtick.
Kobe is Man O War, the dominant, domineering horse stud of his time that after all the wear and tear can still jam his stud like credentials down your throat and go into fifth gear when victory is on the line. Pau is Seabiscuit. He appears to be lost and lazy at times yet Kobe is also a star jockey that whips the best performance out him when it matters most.
For me, the entire sales pitch that Kobe gave Dwight about staying in LA because he can teach him how to win came off as more hollow than a casting director telling Amanda Bynes she got the part because of her hair due. Does Dwight Howard have greatness in him? Time will tell but in the end Kobe didn’t treat him like he passed his greatness assessment challenge or he’d really goat him into signing with the Lakers by offering Dwight Chaz Bono’s balls if he any interest in becoming a man again.
But now Dwight is playing in Houston because playing for Jack, Kobe and the purple and gold nation was about as enjoyable as sitting through a motivational speech by Kobe on how to block out alleged rape allegations and shoot your team to victory.
Houston can make an impressive run next season and I wouldn’t write them off as long shots to win the title yet because their three amigos at the helm of this star studded production have the most motivational driving force to win it all, pride. Jeremy Lin is already being written off as a washed up, once promising child star like Short Round in the Temple of Boom that’s now an overpaid, disposable, SAG extra like that nameless dude that loses his virginity to Tara Reid in American Pie.
But I wouldn’t write off this once promising golden child so soon despite all the sports reporters framing his 15 million dollar pay day as a booby trap bound to blow up in Houston’s faces if it hasn’t done so already. Now, Lin has a black superman and the equally high flying, Beard to throw alley hoops to all season long which he can do with his eyes closed under a bandanna as a drunken Mr. Myogi. I know that Lin is Chinese and an above average driver so he defies the stereotypical definition of one so let’s leave it at that.
I’m a diehard Knick fan and still can't beleive the Knicks didn't resign Lin just for lighting up Kobe and the Lakers for 37 last season at the Madison Square Garden which is the grandest, most pressure packed stage on Broadway. At the height of Linsanity, the Garden rocked the way it did when Dice was at the height of his game, delivering his new brand of poems in Dice Rules: “I want to see this fucking crowd, let’s flash the lights on them, how are you doing up there?” Let’s also not forget that Lin was on the cover on SNL three times in a one month which defiantly gave all the wannabe Bruce Lee’s something to wah about, long time.
Let’s also not forget that Lin is a Harvard grad and you know his basketball IQ will only improve. Meanwhile after Dolan let him go last year because he didn’t want to pay extra for an alleged happy ending despite his proven ball handling ability, JR Smith attempts to dim Lin’s star by telling the press that he isn’t worth all that loot. Because if anyone is an expert on assessing risk and leadership potential, it’s JR Smith who’s a 27 year old man child that still hasn’t graduated past his partying on school nights phase. Next season, Lin will average ten assists a game easy yet next season with Jason Kidd gone, who will direct JR on fast breaks to make sure he knows his place and doesn’t launch more ill advised threes from the middle of the equator, Mike Woodson?
Harden’s confidence level has to be at an all time high knowing that Durant couldn’t go very far without Westbrook this post season. On top of that Harden surpassed all expectations that were placed on his big time money contract. I won’t commit blasphemy and say Harden is a potentially more explosive superstar than Kevin Durant but he’s a more natural slasher and more proficient at creating his own shots, while exploding coast to coast at Westbrook type speed. Harden isn’t a better jump shooter than Durant but he can still knock down that fall away off the dribble jumper and nail open threes like a younger, bushier Paul Pierce. Last, Rockets fans don’t have to worry about Harden whipping it out in the locker room in front show Dwight Howard to prove who’s got the most impressive stuff. You’ve got Jeremy Lin to do the adding for that.
And then there’s Dwight Howard, the most clownish Amigo of them all. This past offseason Dwight Howard has generated the same amount of venom, buzz and controversy that Chevy did when he turned his back on SNL after only one year of service because he thought he could achieve greater show biz success out west which he did in a blaze of glory. In the end though, Chevy carried two major star franchises on his shoulders so comparing Dwight to Chevy is pre-mature like attacking Iraq because they had “weapons of mass destruction” type premature.
Still, Dwight is totally Chevy, in this amigo relationship, while Lin is the wiry, pleasantly respectful, animated, Martin Short while the Beard is Steve Martin that’s considered the most respected troupe leader. Will Dwight be a scene stealer the way Chevy was in his prime and and crack the case of his missing hook shot while cracking the police drug ring involving Alan Stanwyck? Or will Dwight call for the firing of his new director Kevin McHale when he’s not getting enough shots to shine and end up trashing his “community” of lesser name co-stars not up to par with his star billing? What I do know is that next season will be one remake of a Hollywood classic that will be worth the wait. Then again, there’s always the possibility that Dwight never becomes Chevy at the height of his powers and in the end is just that singing, prickly bush that he’s always been. But if Dwight wants to make Kobe look clownish for thinking he knew what was best for him, he could work with Kevin McHale this summer on a go to post move, pump fake Kobe in the post at Staples and duck under his old boss before throwing down a super monster slam while Kobe jumps so high up, his head hits his last championship banner in attempt to prove that he’s still capable of whipping out the greatest stuff of all.