Fade
In:
INT: Bedroom-Scarsdale Apt.-Night
Genius Little Girl (2) sucks on mama’s boobies while
Dada stares at his watch which says 10:35pm. Dada strokes the back of her hair.
Dada: Buckaroo, you can’t sip on boobies all night long, this is our bedroom, not an open milk bar.
Genius Little Girl continues to suck on both of mama’s
boobies.
Mama:
Dada is right you’ve had enough boobies for one night. And last call was one
hour ago.
Dada: Why do you think the lights are still on?
Mama pulls away her booby and baby genius girl cries in protest.
Dada:
Calm down Meryl Streep; you need to get your boobie abuse problem under
control. You’ve got a history of addiction on both sides of the family. You’re just like Uncle Lou, you can’t cut
yourself after one drink. And that’s before he does coke and only hears last
call from the bathroom stall.
Genius Little Girl cries on.
Dada:
I’m on your side, kiddo. I love Mama’s boobies, especially her pre pregnant
ones that didn’t get foamy from sucking on the tip. By the way babe, how much longer will your tits taste like the end of a regrettable non-fat latte?
Mama:
Forever honey bun like how long you’ve been out of work now.
Dada:
My point kiddo is that I love boobies and wish mom had bigger ones for me to
suck on, so I understand your obsession with them, trust me.
Mama:
What daddy is trying to say is that he loves the idea of perkier, milk free
boobies on me that have zero in common with mine.
Dada:
That’s obvious. But the real issue in this conversation is mommy and daddy
reclaiming our bed from you buckaroo. You
come up to my knee yet you manage to take up the entire bed.
Genius Little Girl: You have
to reclaim your bed? What does that mean?
Dada: It means that our bed used to be like a
bouncy castle before you crashed the party.
Mama:
Honey, don’t you think it’s a little early to be having a sex talk with our daughter,
she’s barely 2.
Dada:
Of course, not, she’s a genius. She’s smart enough to know that were not speed
freak, sex addicts but not risk-averse prudes either.
Mama:
Sounds like someone is letting themselves off the hook easy.
Dada:
Let me explain the situation this way; forget the bouncy castle analogy. You own
a pink fairy mobile that you ride whenever you’re in the mood. Well Mama is
Dada’s fairy mobile that grants me joy rides whenever she’s in the mood. But if
you don’t sleep in your own bed, Dada get can’t break any new speeding records,
kapeesh!
Mama:
That
was a joke about Dada not lasting very long in my speeding lane.
Dada: Do you understand what we mean now by
reclaiming our bed?
Genius Little Girl: Yeah, you want to turn your
bedroom in your personal romper room again, I get it.
Dada:
If you understand why don’t you sleep in
your bed for a change?
Genius Little Girl: Because then I’d lose easy access to Boobies;
Dada.
Dada:
They don’t call her a genius little girl for nothing.
Genius Little Girl: Don't worry guys, it's not like I'm going to suck on mama’s boobies forever like the Last Emperor.
Dada: If you do, I’ll institute
a one baby policy law in this house, that’s for sure.
Genius Little Girl: Look guys, I love easy access to boobies but
what I really love is snuggling up next to you all night long. This bed-sharing
arrangement has done wonders for my self-esteem as you can see so far. Life with you guys is one endless party so
excuse for me wanting to pass out in my personal milk bar every night, I know
dada’s done much worse in grown up bars before.
Mama:
You can crash here until you turn 2. Then
you’ll start sleeping in your own bed, deal?
Genius Little Girl: What if Grandma and Grandpa get us a King Size
bed for my 2nd Birthday?
Dada:
Then, I can lift the one child policy after all.
Mama: Give Mama a hug, little one.
Genius Little Girl hugs mom. Dad hugs them both and blankets them with every droplet of love he can conjure for the most special woman in his world.
Mama:
Do you really hate my tits that much?
Fade Out:
The End
Written By,
Josh Kornbluth