What can you say about a prolific, highly intelligent, dark edged, pseudo political, drug plagued, comic that never found a hit TV vehicle, resented the road for it who died in his prime? But enough about Bill Hicks.
As pathetic as it sounds, I’m the only comic of my generation who came close to touching Bill Hick’s poetic, super tight, anti-authority edge except that I wanted to sell out but wasn’t likeable or marketable enough for the studios or networks to rally behind and push me as the next big thing or anything bankable really. How is it that I overdose on prescription pills but Artie Lang screws up his stabbing suicide attempt? If anyone is going to die from overdoing anything it’s Artie, not me. Overeating hasn’t killed Artie, neither has overheating in that Babe Pig outfit that he wore for that sketch on Mad TV. Artie isn’t capable of overacting, because his acting career was declared over after his failed suicide attempt. Then again, Owen Wilson is still getting parts, so what do I know. Hey, Artie some words of advice, if you really want to kill yourself, next time, bypass the straight heroin that you used to pick up from Delaware and overdose on Oxycotin, my death was accidental and premature but your death was supposed to be intentional and overdue. I left four kids behind. It looks my consecutive shitty, father streak is intact. All I got to say to my kids, is that regardless of whether my overdose was ‘accidental or not”, I still love you, more than your mothers ever did. Then again, are any overdoes ever accidental? To start off with, you have to take a shitload of drugs, way over your normal average in order to overdose which requires multiple trips to the ATM machine and plenty of commitment to getting zonked and numb as humanly possible so how accidental is my slip up after all? Heath Ledger, Marilyn Monroe, John Belushi, I’m not going to say they intentionally overdosed, but taking a shitload of pills, and heroin wasn’t accidental either. At least, I overdosed at the top of my comedy game which is more than you can say for Belushi or Farley. Before they went not so gently into the sketched out, ultra dark night, no studio would insure them. Then again, I don’t even know what the inside of a movie studio looks like. Hey Lisa Lampanelli, I know your busy packing more weight than Michael Douglas’s son but would it kill you to tweet a nice sentiment about me once I was declared dead by TMZ? You know the celebrity tracking site that you would crash if you were on it based on you pixel size alone. Lisa talks dirty but she’s a real romantic at heart. When the comedy world tires of her recycled, only black men will sleep with my fat ass shtick, she can pose on the cover of black romance novels as the flabby Fabio. I had a good time on the Collin Quinn Show. I appreciate the exposure Collin. As expected, it did nothing for my career except make me look like smuck when Dennis Leary came out with Rescue Me five years later after I called him out for not writing enough jokes to keep his previous shows alive. My buddy Louis CK, gave me a nice a shout out on Twitter. Now that I’m gone Louis CK is the only twenty year, headlining, NY comic that can actually do family material on having kids besides Rich Vos but who cares about that buck toothed, pizza pie maker, his TV exposure is minimal at best, you can’t TIVO his name, without TIVO filing a missing comic’s report. I was known for my scruffy, unshaven look. But that’s a sign of comedic genius, and that’s why Nick Dipalo is that one of a kind Italian incapable of growing a stub of a goatee. What else is there to say? It was a nice run. I should’ve been happier knowing that I never had to work a real office job more than a year in my life while my other comedic colleagues suffered much longer and were bailed out from their parents more times than they’d like to remember. I learned to kill with precision, I dominated every roast, and sold out my New Years Eve show at Comix with ease. My kids can grow up and say that I was the Bill Hicks of my generation and considered a grade sharper than the rest of my comedy class. As for my two ex-wives, you can’t suck my will to live any longer, the Comedy Gods have forgiven me for my sins, you should try too, make sure my kids don’t stay half a tards forever, banning them from prescription pain medication would be a smart start. Rest In Peace, Greg Giraldo Written By, Josh Kornbluth
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