Sly Franklin (Brewmaster County)
Brewmaster County was founded in Philly by Sly Franklin who is the great, great, great grandson of Benjamin Franklin. He won every science fair in high school which eventually got him a full ride to MIT which is where he invented a couch that comes with a self-cooling cup holder. After college, he formed Brewmaster County so he could throw in some homemade brews with the purchase of each couch that would help seal the deal. His second big time invention was a transportable, beer holder that could read the freshness level of a leftover Samuel Adams Christmas Ale that you found buried in the fridge during the summer. Once the meter tells you it’s stale, you can pour out that Samuel Adam’s Christmas Lager in honor of Bird’s lost prime playing years due to his aggravated back that was caused by putting down gravel in his mom’s driveway and avoiding any Latin looking help the way Maria Shriver does now.
The signature beer that the Brewmaster Brewery is known for is the South Paw ale that will make you punch drunk with delight. South Paw ale has a strong backbone and great legs like Thunder Lips. It’s a spicy ale that showcases big flavored Pacific Northwest hops that give you an extra bounce to your step. Drink three South Paw’s on draft at the local bar and you’ll approach that hot girl at the bar and get pumped by saying: Eye of the tiger Rock, no pain, you knocked him down, why don’t you try knocking me down.
Jack London Junior (Frost Bite)
Frost Bite brewery was founded in Juno, Alaska by Jack London Junior who like his frozen tundra traveling dad also felt the call of the wild. His first brush with frost bite was from a teeth chattering hummer by a tore up Inuit outside a moose lodge in downtown Juno that grated away his manhood one bob at a time.
Jack London Junior showed some promise as a writer yet the brewing world offered more potential for greatness. He started cashing in daddy’s royalty checks from junior high schools, launched the Frost Bite brewery and plowed through anymore Alaskan dogs he could find. You’re thanking Jack London Junior for his winter ale called Stocking Stuffer which fills you up with gift opening glee and holiday off cheer.
Ranger Dan (Sky High)
Ranger Dan founded Sky High while conducting tours of national parks like Yellowstone, Jackson Hole and the Neverland Ranch for some extra cash if he referred any balding Boy Scouts. He founded the Sky High Brewery cause Park Rangers don’t always want to kill a day climbing up a mountain in order to get that rocky mountain high.
The signature beer that Sky High is known for is the Tripped Out IPA which is a triple hopped IPA that uses the national water park sources which are more protected than government acid labs, the JFK files and Bush’s SAT scores. Ranger Jim also uses three different type of Pacific Northwest hops that keep you peaking just when you thought you were coming down. It’s an eye opening beer that cleanses and elevates your beer consciousness. You’ll never see beer in the same light again. The only clearer high is when you make it to the top of the Gran Teetons.
Big Jim Junior (Wailers)
The Wailers brewery was founded by Big Jim Junior in Birmingham, Alabama. He claims that his Grandfather Big Jim Senior created the secret recipe for Slim Jim’s but was robbed by his slimmer, slicker, business partner Joe, Joe Light. In honor of pops, Big Jim Junior created a brewery so he could make light but delicious beers that pair well with Slim Jim’s.
You’re thanking Big Jim Junior because of the Big Bopper summer beer that honors another Alabama native Hank Aaron, who needs all the love he can get after Barry Bonds blasted him back into the record books. These spring release beers come out during opening day which is a major event at the Wailers brewery in Alabama. Locals camp out for days outside the brewery so they can get in line for the fabled spring release that’s limited to 714 batches that recognizes the all time homerun total by the best pure power hitter that has his original balls intact. This spring beer smells like fresh cut grass on opening day, packs a clean wallop and always hit’s the sweet spot.
Stirs Drinks with Feathers (Peyote Pete’s)
Stirs Drinks with Feathers is the Brewmaster and founder of Peyote Pete’s which purchased the naming rights for Pete’s which is a long forgotten microbrewery that produced a Wicked Brown Ale which Stirs Drinks with Feathers viewed as a racist attack again brown Indians of all stripes and feathers so he scalped Pete and then tripped over his head during a Rain Dance ceremony which gave birth to the name Peyote Pete’s.
Stirs Drinks with Feathers saw how whiskey was killing his tribe more than Kevin Costner’s, canoe wooden acting so he created a brewery that wouldn’t kill off his tribe at such an accelerated rate. Plus, he knew that the brewery could make a killing off the white man by offering this beer to all the burnout stoners that went to the University of Arizona who would gravitate to a beer called Peyote Pete’s as fast as a gravity bong.
You’re thanking Stirs Drinks with Feathers because of their Tomahawk Red Ale. The Tomahawk Red Ale tickles the back of your throat like it was massaged by a feather dipped in cherry flavored Fun Dip. Every freshman at the University of Arizona has drank a six pack of Tomahawk Red Ale during freshman orientation and rode bare back in their dorm rooms in a blaze of glory.
Sam Snifter (False Prophet)
The founder of the False Prophet brewery is Bill Clinton’s illegitimate brother, Sam Snifter. He got inspired to launch False Prophet brewery after a short stint in the priesthood. He got kicked out for sending a running tally of the most popular searches by Priests to the producers behind Catch a Predator. The top three searches among the priests at his parish in Arkansas were, Justin Bieber before puberty, bald Bieber and Bieber in heat. Parish boys from the Jersey Shore came in at number four.
The signature beer by False Prophet brewery is their Double IPA called the Gift of Gab. The Gift of Gab is a riled up Double IPA that shows notes of red, scorched earth. The Gift of Gab lifts your spirits and makes you feel like you’ve just been blessed by a celestial ordained light that just shined through an amber red stained glass window.
Charlie Commish (Star Power)
The Star Power brewery was started by a former talent packaging agent at CAA, Charlie Commish. At the height of his talent packaging career, he represented all of the big beer drinkers in Hollywood like John Goodman, Artie Lang and Rosanne Barr. When he was an agent he loved being the guy who controlled access to his clients. Now, he gets to control the packaging and distribution rights for his award winning craft beers by hand picking select dinning spots in Beverly Hills and West Hollywood that get to showcase his new artisan stars which gives him the green lighting power that few super agents have since the self-financed demise of Michael Ovitz.
The beer that Star Power is known for is the summer time pilsner called Scene Stealer. It’s brewed like a Belgian white wheat beer and has a frosty, assertive bite that makes all other pilsners seem like expendable extras. The Scene Stealer pilsner has notes of freshly squeezed orange that taste sunny and bright. You can hear Brian Wilson oohing and ahhing into your ear as you swirl around each sun drenched sip.
Money Bags Murray (Balling Beast)
The Balling Beast was founded in Greenwich, CT by a retired Hedge Fund Billionaire, Money Bags Murray that had plenty of time, money and brain cells to burn. He just made another fortune in the stock market for creating a mutual fund of publicly traded Northeast beers called the “East Coast Beast Fund.”
The signature beer that Balling Beast is known for is the highly alcoholic, Freaky Franklin that is a rich, dense, barley wine that has a picture of a topless Ben Franklin wearing shades and a baseball cap on like a modern hung over celebrity or some balding Wall Street douchebag.
Musky Mike (Bungee Brewery)
Musky Mike founded the Bungee Brewery in Greenville, Delaware and is the new hot shot brewer that is getting all the gargoyle framed, scruffy hipsters in Williamsburg and Northern Liberties wet underneath their frothy, foamy beards.
Musky Mike grew up in Edgemont, NY and got a perfect score on his Barron’s chemistry exam. He was turned on to home brewing from his roommate at UPENN who later became the leading Creative Consultant for local legend, Dogfish Head Brewery in Rehoboth Beach, DE. Now, ten years later Bungee Brewery is stealing attention away from the revered Dogfish Head brewery by producing kick ass tasting beers that don’t give your wallet a buzz kill every time. Plus, Bungee Brewery just launched a ruthless billboard ad campaign throughout Pennsylvania and Delaware that are a series of attack ads against Dogfish. One of the billboards is a picture of the Dog Fish Head 90 Minute IPA and the caption says: It takes me 90 Minutes to finish my second.
The beer you need to suck off Musky Mike for is the Winter Warmer Porter that is loaded with flavors of dark cherry chocolate, hazelnut coffee and thick strokes of caramel. The Winter Warmer Porter is ideal for drinking during any freezing east coast night over oysters with some buds as you try to figure out why microbreweries still don’t lure in the pretty ladies despite the increased prestige of craft beer, overcrowding of wine bars and more wide spread acceptance of Liposuction.
Sam Stewart (Hurricane Kitty)
Lebron isn’t the only star to take his talents to South Beach. While Lebron gets stroked by his entourage in the privacy of his ring-less, beachside estate, Hurricane Kitty continues to blow away the competition. It was founded by Sam Stewart who is an underground Brewmaster sensation from Maine and Martha Stewart’s dirty minded younger brother. His sister hasn’t given him any press in her Martha magazine yet that hasn’t been necessary. Sam Stewart built a major reputation in the Northeast for making a farmhouse wheat beer that he sold out of the back of his VW while touring all of the fancy liberal art schools in the Northeast. He’s a real good looking goy that lead Wilderness Venture tours during the summer so bedding liberal art students fits him like a fitted glove from EMS.
The beer that made him an instant legend in the Northeast was the Funny Farmhouse Ale that he produced in a farm in Bedford, NY that he talked Martha into lending him by blackmailing her with racy photos of her rolling in the grass with Oprah in her Greenwich estate during an after party for the dual release of O and Martha magazine. Martha wasn’t concerned about her lesbian side showing. In the end she gave into the blackmail because she didn’t want to admit that she had no way to remove the grass stain left on her white riding pants. The Funny Farmhouse beer is a wheat ale that tastes like candied orange peels that get sucked on by South Beach hotties at the Delano as a way to sweeten the drip after a fresh blast of nose candy.
Katie Kaiser (Peach Fling Ale)
The local Brewmaster legend that founded the Southern Belle Brewery in Atlanta, Georgia is a former debutant that kicked the shit out of Reese Witherspoon in a 9th grade spelling bee. She attended the University of Georgia and majored in marketing and civil war history. When Katie Kaiser went to Marti Gras in college she fell in love with the raspberry wheat beer Purple Haze and became dedicated to coming up with a way to recreate that fizzy, sweet delight.
The signature beer that the Southern Belle Brewery is known for is the Peach Fling Ale that is the number one seller at Atlanta Braves games. Peach Fling Ale is like a Southern Belle. It warms your heart, shines up your soul and makes you sing the night they drove Old Dixie Down with extreme gusto.
Michael Kowal (Green Dragon)
Green Dragon is the new brewery located on the big island in Hawaii. It was founded by Michael Kowal who is a coffee farmer turned brewer because his new wife Rosanne forced him to launch it so she can have more time to watch Wheel of Fortune. Rosanne has dragon lungs and constantly blows weed into his lung’s shot gun style so Green Dragon is named after her and the killer buds that bless this weed rich island.
The star beer that Green Dragon produces is the Killer Kona which is a dark ale that is enriched from volcanic yeast, distilled Kona coffee beans and a spice from the big island called hummer birds of paradise. This dark ale goes down smooth in the hot summer months and tastes like a round, hazelnut spiced, iced coffee without the watered down flavor. The famous hang ten surfer Kelly Slater who’s known for riding celebrities and models that are perfect ten’s is the spokesperson for this beer. He’s seen on a new magazine ad in High Times that has a picture of Kelly Slater and Jack Johnson riding a wave side by side yet this wave resembles the Killer Kona, dark ale. And the caption above the wave says: Killer buds need killer suds.
Mary Mash ( Twice Bakery Brewery)
The Twice Baked brewery was founded by Mary Mash who sold off her parents potato making vodka business so she could spend the profits on developing an artist colony for home brewers who have the talent to compete in the big leagues.
Mary Mash got inspired to start the Twice Baked Brewery colony because she graduated from the Warner Brothers fellowship program which is a training program for future sitcom writers. After graduating she worked as a staff writer on the Man Show and It’ Always Sunny in Philadelphia. While drafting an episode for It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, she came up with a storyline that’s about the entire gang applying for the same Brewmaster fellowship so they can get the chance to spend the summer away at beer camp. Frank knows a guy who specializes in identity theft which he hires to work on Charlie’s application so he can get into the program over his spoiled offspring. After coming up with this storyline, she decided to turn this Brewmaster colony into a reality.
The star beer to come out of the Twice Baked Brewery is Mr. Chipper which is a summer ale that has a picture of a smiling woodpecker with a top hat on while sitting on a chipped off tree that has a big hole in it. This beer is stored in beer vats laced with late harvest Riesling grape skins. You can’t drink Mr. Chipper without getting swept away by that old summer wind.
Heartland Hughes (Windy Lake)
Windy Lake brewery was founded by Heartland Hughes who grew up in Lake Forest, Illinois. He is also John Cusack’s second cousin yet things got weird when he face fucked his sister Joan and finally saw the resemblance up close which made him think that he was better off dead.
The star beer that Windy Lake brewery is known for is the Hibernator which is a clean, charming, unpretentious winter ale that doesn’t taste like you went down on a pine cone or mound of potpourri. Instead, this beer tastes like a hearty winter ale that is full of manly malt and big ten spirit. It’s already the house favorite beer at Mike Dikita’s Restaurant and keg of choice for Second City after show bashes. Vince Vaughn is now the celebrity spokesperson for Hibernator and in a new commercial for them he holds up the beer and looks at the camera while playing poker with his buddies and says: Hibernator is a beautiful baby that never gets old.
Jimmy Knight (Lounge Chair Brewery)
The Lounge Chair brewery was founded by Jimmy Knight who never played ball for Bobby Knight at Indiana yet he did sell him a Lazy Boy recliner against his wishes after NCAA officials forced him to take anger management classes. Jimmy got inspired to form the Lounge Chair Brewery in honor of those college students from Indiana that represented the more chill bunch among the children of the corn.
The signature beer that the Lounge Chair Brewery is known for is the Rage Red American Ale.The Rage Red American Ale is stored in 100% corn based whiskey barrels that is mixed with locally sourced cherry skins that are licked, torn and placed in the vats by the Cherry Pie Pin-Up girl and her even hotter crop of younger sisters that can’t find work as Metal Video vixens or arm candy for aged Metal gods unless they can pay their own way to some Metal feast in Germany or Japan. This red American ale gets your heart pumping with it’s high 10% ABV but also goes down incredibly smooth like a Shirley Temple or a power ballad from Warrant during a Bar Mitzvah in the early nineties.
Norman Bukowski (Hawkeye Brewery)
The Hawkeye Brewery was founded in Iowa by the oversexed short story writer, Norman Bukowski that makes Andy Dick come off as a testosterone impaired Monk. He is the only writer that got kicked out of the Iowa Writer’s Workshop for insisting on writing the most sexually graphic material about classmates, teachers, gas station operators and schools mascots while using real life names in the process.
The signature beer that the Hawkeye Brewery is known for is the Not so noble Pilsner that resembles a German pilsner. This beer is stored in white Viognier barrels filled with pineapple rings and is a sweet, refreshing change of pace like German Porn that shows golden showers.
Toto Smith (Going Nowhere)
The Going Nowhere brewery was founded by Kansas native Toto Smith. Toto got inspired to start the Going Nowhere Brewery after catching a Kansas concert in high school. During the guitar solo for Wayward Son he convinced himself to make a name for himself at home so he’d stop feeling all over the place.
Toto Smith always had fear of flying and trains. Plus, he’s allergic to AC so driving west to peddle his beer from Kansas was never an option. He developed a line of beers that are more life sweetening alternatives to Budweiser and Coors that lose appeal when you get older like Hotel California. The signature beer that Going Nowhere Brewery is known for is the Porch Sipper which is a potent, crisp apple cider that makes sure you aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. This apple cider tastes like honey crisp apple swiped with wild flower honey and sour apple jolly ranchers that haven't been scorched yet.
Hunter Grease Junior (Photo Finish)
The Photo Finish brewery was founded by Hunter Grease Junior who was conceived on the bourbon trail in Kentucky which is where his love of fine spirits was born. His great, great, great grandfather was childhood friends with Abe Lincoln and saved him from drowning by a creek after Abe got shaky and slipped off a rock as they got ready to take their first skinny dip together. Hunter Grease Junior got inspired to start his own brewery after reading Fear and Loathing Las Vegas because out of all the talk of ether and acid there was no mention of any mind altering beers, especially from down south which he became determined to create.
Hunter Grease Junior studied at UC Davis in California so he could learn the scientific techniques used for craft beer making while also drawing inspiration from San Fran where Ginsburg wrote Howl, Dr. Leary diagnosed LSD to the city by the bay and where the Dead became the home band that did experimental four hours jams on Haight Ashbury while the Merry Pranksters handed out mind bending, tongue tying, party favors.
The signature beer that the Photo Finish brewery is known for is Peak Freak which is a mind blowing, triple roasted brown ale that is stored in caramel smoked, aged bourbon vats. Most brown ales are syrupy, nutty drinks that taste like roasted, butterscotch made by some fruity Englishman. Peak Freak on the other hand is that mind racing brown ale that hits you over head with hints of poached peaches, worn in hell angels leather and caramelized almonds that Larry Flint serves at the Hustler Christmas Party.
Chief Hurricane Carter (Dancing Street)
The Dancing Street brewery was founded by Chief Hurricane Carter who is a third generation Marti Gras Chief down in New Orleans that started a brewery to help get his tribe back on it’s feet after Hurricane Katrina. At first, Chief Hurricane Carter had a problem getting this brewery off the ground because he couldn’t get the elder statesman of the tribe to grant him the right to use their ancient, home brewing, spell binding beer recipes that have been denied to whitey after all these years. Finally, the elder statesman of the tribe, Dances in the Streets gave in after he dreamed of being able to afford the cost of a permanent, red colored billboard in the middle of Times Square with a caption in big bold black typeface that says: Bush really does hate black people.
The signature beer that the Dancing Street Brewery is known for is their Holy Trinity porter that uses the three revered strains of barely, hops and yeast that are near and dear to Chief Hurricane’s people. Legend says that the Holy Trinity Porter recipe was one of the first recorded beer brewing partnerships between Marti Gras Indians that paired the 7th Ward Head Hunters with the Deep Purple Tribe that Chief Hurricane Carter descends from. They call this beer the Holy Trinity because of it’s reference to the base building block for any major Creole dish which is onion, pepper and celery. The Holy Trinity Porter does not have those tastes yet they pay homage to the each ingredient’s identity . First, the onion represents the tears of bitterness that Marti Gras Indian tribes felt after Katrina. Second, the pepper represents the spicy chipotle kick in each Holy Trinity Porter glass. Third, the celery represents the grassy goodness of the whole cone hops that are blessed by the Marti Gras Indian chiefs before they are brewed into this bush haunting, chocolate spiced, spirit infused porter that will make whitey swifter on his feet as he jumps an extra inch off the ground to grab more flying beads.
Joan Keller (Money Maine)
Money Maine brewery was founded by Joan Keller who is a blind home brewing genesis that can spot any grain of barley or hops by pure feel since she tore through the brail version of Homebrewing for Dummies. She also owns a spice shop in Maine which has been a money making operation from the start. Her palate is more advanced than the standard home brewing slob turned pro that inject the annual beer festival in Denver with a bloated sense of importance.
Joan’s main problem is that she can’t enjoy herself at these beer conventions because all of the brewing professionals try to get into her pants which distract her from sampling all of these new beers that you can’t get up in Maine unless she takes a cross country trip on Stevie Wonder’s Gulfstream.
The signature brew that Money Maine brewery makes is the Big Darkie which is an Imperial Stout that was made in honor of her long distance African lover from Kenya that runs a family coffee plantation and half marathons in Acadia National Park which helps him get loose around all of those white folks.
This Imperial Stout is stored in Cognac casks that give it a royal, caramelized lift. Big Darkie is a bold, loud beer that doesn’t require toning down or else you lose the full flavor of it’s larger than life personality. Making this beer any lighter would be like circumcising Eddie Murphy in his prime.
John Washington (Executive Privilege)
Executive Privilege brewery was founded by John Washington who got inspired to start his own brewery while interning at the White House under Bill Clinton. He got rid of the heavy knee indentations in the carpet once Monica was done. While throwing networking parties in DC for the future political elite he got tired of blowing hooker money on kegs of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale and there not being any other craft beers to chose from which is where the idea of Executive Privilege was born.
The signature beer that Executive Privilege is known for is Diplomatic Immunity which is a stout recipe that George Washington got from Samuel Adams as a parting gift once he left office to retire in Mount Vernon. Once George was out of the public eye, he didn’t give a shit about his wood teeth looking like a stained shoe polish stand. Diplomatic Immunity is sturdy and dark but never considered A list like Danny Glover. It offers tastes of dark fig with a hint of cream that goes down smooth for a stout that boasts such gargantuan girth.
Abby Hoffman Junior (Loudmouth Brewery)
The Loudmouth brewery was founded by Abby Hoffman Junior who is a famous sixties activist that was put on trial in Chicago as a member of the famed Chicago seven. Abby Hoffman Junior got inspired to start this brewery while attending Harvard University. He became obsessed with making more hop forward beers after his English roommate emptied out their fridge full of Sierra Neveda Pale Ale in order to make room for more restrained ales like Samuel Smith instead.
He partnered up with a fellow Yeshiva grad, Oscar Weiner who was a biochemistry wiz that mastered the art of extracting desired flavor profiles while interning for Proctor and Gamble the summer after his bar mitzvah. Later, he started making his own Jell-O based vodka shots that supplied all the sororities in Boston which got him into more grand openings than the Rockefeller family.
The signature beer that the Loudmouth Brewery is famous for is Love it Loud beer that comes out once a year in honor of every excessively bold American beer revolutionary. The most recent addition to the Brewmaster series collection is the Vibration Sensation which is a bright orange and boozy like Jimmy Buffet’s loudest mimosa drinking shirt. This beer is made with Tangerine skins coated in Orange Curraco liquer, stored in Gran Marnier barrels and loaded with radiant California shined hops that give the beer a brighter, juicer touch unlike those boring English ales that fail to titillate the tongue and arise it out of it’s stale stupor.
Roger Rod (American Muscle)
The American Muscle brewery was founded by a failed documentary maker turned Brewmaster legend Roger Rod. He tried to do a documentary on the origin of hip hop yet Kid Rock and M &M wouldn’t participate so that concept was short lived. Roger Rod went offroading in his Dodge Ram and back flipped down a mountain like a Slinky which flung him out the window which shattered his leg in two. While rehabbing his leg, he got into brewing beer. He became so energized by the process, he was able to walk again in no time and American Muscle was born.
You should thank American Muscle because of the Rocking Rod Rider that is a slick, red ale that’s known for it’s creamy interior and polished finish. Rocking Red Rider can be overpowering if you drink it down too fast. It’s meant to be enjoyed as a joy ride yet sometimes you can’t resist the desire to speed up and make some noise.
Kirby Puckenstein (Ice Dome)
The Ice Dome brewery was founded by the state champion ice fisher Kirby Pucketstein. He got tired of killing so much time in the freezing cold trying to fish in the dead of winter while praying for Brett Farve to get picked off by a sliding avalanche off the Mall of America Field.
The beer you should thank Ice Dome for is the Ice Picker Upper which is a barely wine that is ripe with dark, dried fruit that’s too rummy forward for goodie, goodie, Brandon Walsh. Ice Picker Upper also has traces of smoked vanilla that come up big like Kirby Puckett in the clutch.
CC Guy (Sold Souls)
The Sold Souls brewery was founded by CC Guy who is a black blues guitarist that tried to sell his soul to the devil so he could play like Jimmy yet the Devil was running low on storage soul space that day because Steve Vai, Vern Reed and the producer of Glee soundtracks had dropped by earlier that afternoon to renew with their soul lease agreements. The sold soul lease contract includes the standard 6% increase in hell pictured dreams whenever their conscious awakes and pushes them to reveal their inner most trade secret.
The signature beer that the Sold Soul Brewery is known for is the Sell Out ale which is a summer wheat beer that has a snappy bite and a funky, extra long finish like Voodoo Child (Slight Return) on the end of Electric Ladyland.
Bubba Jowls (Barbeque Brewery)
The Barbeque brewery was established by the St. Louis native and retired pit master, Bubba Jowls. He couldn’t stand the heat from his hog smoker anymore cause the heat started causing him to constantly faint from heat exhaustion and made his neck skin jiggle like an overstuffed Turkey walking over a pool full of jell-o. The signature beer that the Barbeque Brewery is famous for is the Smoked Out Porter that tastes clean and smoky like a pipe cleaner cleaned one hitter.
Buck Lone Rogers (Hop Bomber)
The Hop Bomber brewery was founded by a loner Scientist, Buck Loner Rogers that passed the test to get into JPL in Pasadena, California yet he decided to move into his own private shack in the hills of Montana so he could focus on his real driving passion which was sipping west coast brews at home while setting off homemade bombs in his front yard so he can check whether his ear drums were blown out from that last time he got front row seats for Warren Zevon.
Eventually, he ran out of grant money and focused on making the most explosive home brews imaginable. He only lets the founder of Sierra Nevada taste his hop bombs so they can get an official rating on ratebeer.com and get all the hipsters riled up over the limited amount that he sells on Ebay which pays for his operating expenses and allows him to live in splendid isolation while listening to Warren Zevon records on repeat.
The signature beer that the Hop Bomber makes is the Radiator which is a continually hopped Tripe IPA made from noble, English and Pacific Northwest hops which is an explosion of concentrated, bitterness like Eddie Murphy after he lost the Academy Award to Alan Arkin.
Earl White (Cow Tipper)
The Cow Tipper brewery was founded by an ex-Nebraska offensive lineman, Earl White who turned his passion for beer drinking and cow tipping into a big time brewery . He got tired of drinking the horse piss available in Nebraska and felt compelled to start a brewery that still knocked you off your rocker.
The signature beer that the Cow Tipper brewery is known for is the Grassland Grazer which is a bright pale ale that is dry as Steven Wright but as clean as Jeff Foxworthy. The Grassland Grazer is ideal for the sipping on the back off your tractor trailer as you replay those glory days on the football field when it didn’t hurt to kneel let alone stand to pee in the wide open farmland field.
Hammer Rubio (Jackpot)
The Jackpot brewery was founded in Las Vegas by a former Bit Boss, Hammer Rubio, that got tired of being on his feet all day scouting for cheaters like some high paid private eye minus the shitty, glued on raincoat. In Vegas the beer selection at the tables is only limited to Heineken which tastes like soapy, Eurotrash perfumed beer. Hammer realized the need for a craft local beer that you can drink with pride as the Chinese continue to smoke us.
The signature beer that the Jackpot Brewery is known for is the Jamming Joker Raspberry Ale that the woman love but also deemed manly enough for the high rollers in Vegas that are used to Framboise beers from Belgium and other juicy treats. The Jamming Joker Raspberry Ale is a sour ale that’s known for it’s explosive, standing o worthy finish.
Trey Weiner (Leaves of Grass)
The Leaves of Grass brewery was founded by Walt Whitman nut, Trey Weiner that sold off his dairy farming business so he could just focus on the production of his craft beer that would be bigger than the Magic Hat Brewery which is like the psychedelic cousin of Ben and Jerry’s. The signature beer that Leaves of Grass is known for is the Stout Stud which is a dark, chewy treat that goes down smoother the more you try it.
Dancing Bear (Mellowland Brewery)
The Mellowland Brewery was founded by a seasoned native American dead head named Dancing Bear. He got some seed money for the brewery from his cousin who runs the Foxwoods Casino. Dancing Bear became inspired to start the brewery after tripping on boomers at a Dead show and seeing his Budweiser can morph into a 22 ounce beer bottle that’s shaped like a Cactus which had stars on it that represented all of the original native American tribes.
The signature beer that the Mellowland Brewery is known for is Needle Prick which is a sharp pale ale made with dank green pacific northwest hops and cactus needle juice that leaves you with a horny edge and a pointy prick.
Chief Turning Away (Mojo Pounding)
The Mojo Pounding brewery was founded by Chief Turning Away Stone as a tribute to Jim Morrison who did more to promote Shaman’s than Sociology majors in college. Chief Turning Away developed a fear of flying since his brother Gets Shitted on by Eagles, died on a Southwest flight after Kevin Smith landed on his hand and cut off all his circulation. As a result, Chief Turning Away Stone had no way of getting his cherished beers in Northern California because Southwest was the only airline he can afford so Mojo Pounding started to create craft beers on the side while selling ancient, Navajo art relics to tourists turned residents like Val Kilmer.
The signature beer that Mojo Pounding is known for is the Hot Shot Ale that packs plenty of heat like Val Kilmer’s career in the early nineties between Real Genius and the Doors. What gives the beer it’s kick is the Chipotle and Anaheim peppers which his tribe used as a form of hopped up speed when Val stopped paying them in eight balls after the release of Salton Sea.
Josh Kornbluth (Big Time)
The Big Time brewery was founded by Josh Kornbluth who used to be the Creative Director for a big time advertising agency in the city. He retired from the advertising business after he watched a Bill Hicks comedy special and realized that he was nothing more than a garbage filler that was a poor man’s Don Draper at best. He created the idea of using athletes as spokespersons for beer. Americans worship our athletes so why wouldn’t they worship their beer selection was the extensive logic behind that ingenious marketing research based decision.
The signature beer that the Big Time Brewery is known for is the Touch of Gold which is a Belgium style, copper golden ale that tastes like some luscious, misty stream that descended down from Elizabeth’s Taylor’s lofty mountain tops in Cleopatra.
Lavender Taylor (Blond Ambition)
The Blond Ambition brewery was founded by Lavender Taylor who ditched her business suit at Goldman Sachs so she could become a cult Brewmaster and master of her own universe that didn’t involve pushing tax shelters to rich Republicans that she couldn’t stomach servicing anymore with a plastered on smile. She also was determined to become a prominent female brewer that can prove to southern belles and Midwest lesbians that you can still look fabulous while drinking big, delicious, revitalizing beers.
The signature beer that you should thank Lavender for is the Royal Flush which is a lavender spiced ale that is full of noble hops and malted barley that grows outside of Buckingham Palace in Prince Charles organic, wheat farm where he takes Camilla for late night rolls in the pesticide free hay. This malt rich ale has a smooth body that’s easy to plow through like Lindsay Lohan fresh out of rehab.
Tanya Reid (Silver Streaker)
The Silver Streaker brewery was founded by Tanya Reid who is a busty, big ten, beauty that did her fair share of streaking in nothing but red Ohio State v neck vests during home game victory parties. She got inspired to start this brewery because working as a car model for another bailed out American car company after college didn’t inspire her to go streaking again the way homebrewing did.
The signature beer that Silver Streaker brewery is known for is the Humming Harry which is a honey wheat beer that is a head lightening, drooled over treat.. They make the beer with local honey that takes away the sting of having your national championship taken away.
Billy Bob Williams (Grassland Brewery)
The Grassland Brewery was founded by Billy Bob Williams who is a corn ethanol dealer that used his government subsidy money to invest in his home brewing operation that got bought out by Billy Bob Thorton after All the Pretty Horses bombed and he went on a month long bender and recorded Knockin on Heaven’s door with Warren Zevon. Billy Bob Williams got inspired to open the brewing because he loves the taste of dank green hops that make pale ales light up your insides like scrumptious, crystal clear buds of Maui Wowi.
The signature beer that the Grassland Brewery is known for is the Hop Hammer which is a double IPA that’s smooth and funky fresh like a load of laundry that just dried out in a hop farm next to a weed dispensary in downtown Boulder.
Mary Bush (Butch Beaver)
Butch Beaver was founded by Mary Bush who is a butch, Portland based Lesbian chef that knew she’d never get her own cooking show based on her looks alone. Mary got inspired to start this brewery one night when she did a food and craft beer pairing night that paired Rouge Shakespeare Stout with Pacific Northwest mussels that were also cooked in the beer itself. She became inspired to create a line of beers that would enhance the flavor of all fishy treats. The signature beer that the Beaver Brewery is known for is the Butch Beaver Porter which is bittersweet like most happy endings.
Mike Pier (Haunted Mansion)
Haunted Mansion brewery was founded by Mike Pier who is a Hannah Barbara graduate and failed cartoon creator who comes from an old money family that lived in a haunted mansion right off the pier in Newport, Rhode Island. Legend says that the ghost of Joe Kennedy would appear in the Wine Cellar every time you went to grab any German wines that came from wineries owned by the Third Reich so he could scare you into handing them back. His thesis project at Hannah Barbara’s school of graphic design was a TV cartoon series based on a ghost in glasses that looked like Joe Kennedy and called it Spook A Lot. His black professor took offense to the word even though the ghost looked like a well read Casper. After Mike quit his cartoon creating career he focused his energies on creating the Mansion Brewery instead.
Growing up, his parents hired a beer delivery man that would drop off classic craft beers like Harpoon, Pete’s Wicked and Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. Mike was so inspired by this beer delivery concept he came up with the idea of offering his own beer delivery service yet he would create his diverse selection of locally crafted beer and use the drank up wine cellar as storage space.
The signature beer that the Haunted Mansion Brewery is known for is the Freak Flag Fig Ale which has a picture of Dennis Rodman on it wearing a shirt designed like the American flag yet in black light color. Freak Flag Pale Ale is a whacky, fruit forward ale that tastes like dried figs, plumy malts and fizzy, just juiced blackberries that give it a chewy texture that’s easy to gag on. This beer is meant for slow sipping, deep reflection and freaking out tamer beer drinkers with a mind bending head trip that will cleanse their doors of perception as Jim Morrison used to say and William Blake before him.
Lilly Grease (Sly Southerner)
Sly Southerner was founded by Lilly Grease who is a confederate flag burning, dinner owner from Charleston that opened up the brewery with her partner. Scarlett O’ Hara who sold off her families plantation homes so they could serve their craft beers at their world famous dinner.
The signature beer that the Sly Southern brewery is known for is the Key Lime Ale which is clean and light like Jessica Simpson’s daisy dukes. This bready backbone of the beer blends well with the Key Lime like a sweet tongue touching kiss between Ashley Judd and Reese Witherspoon in a raunchier remake of Fried Green Tomatoes.
Stevie Hicks (Bottle Rocket)
Bottle Rocket brewery was founded by Stevie Hicks who is a commercial director friend of Wes Anderson that got permission to use the title of his first film for the brewery as long as he stopped asking him to read his screenplay about Stevie Ray Vaughn. It’s a pain in the ass to get the music rights for these movies. Plus, Stevie Ray Vaughn wasn’t that interesting outside of his hats and Jimmy Hendrix covers.
The signature beer that you should thank Stevie Hicks for is the Topless Tipper which is endorsed by who else but Mathew McConaughey. It's a toned lager that offers a refreshing, spirited bite like any comedy bit from the great Bill Hicks.
Joseph Smith Junior (Mount Mission)
Joseph Smith Junior who claims to be a descendent of the great Mormon Prophet Joseph Smith from upstate New York is the visionary behind the Mount Mission brewery which produces the first non-alcoholic, divine ordained beer to come out of Utah, allegedly. The majority of Mormons in his home city of Utah write him off as a delusional, sex addict that exploits religion for financial gain like the profit from Big Love.
The signature beer that Mount Prophet became popular for is Crystal Creamer which tastes like Odules with a hint of Dr. Browns cream soda. This beer continues to get bigger despite it’s lack of winning any major competitions like Karl Malone.
Smokie from the Okie (Bizmarke Brewery)
Local rapper, Smokie from the Okie started the Bizmarke Brewery in the city of Bizmark and got his rap idol Bizmarke to become a part owner by lending his name and eighties star power to it. Smokie from the Okie is another an absurdist rap humorist that raps about silly tales about getting dumped and cheated on, especially in the town of Bismarck where white girls don’t have the strength to stand up to daddy when they get caught in sweat pouring, scream feasts under daddy’s Klan’s sheets.
The signature beer that the Bismarke Brewery is known for is Hip Hop Head which is the first pale ale targeted to affluent African Americans that love hip hop nostalgia that doesn’t include face puckering, skanky ass, ho sprayers like Crazy Horse. This pale ale bursts with fresh plucked kush flavor that makes you yell yeah boy.
Abraham Roosevelt (Great Plains Brewery)
An ambulance chaser turned Brewmaster, Abraham Roosevelt founded the Great Plains Brewery. Not much happens in South Dakota so ambulance chasers don’t have much chasing to do in this motionless part of the country. Danger isn’t lurking on every corner. There are no hit and run’s in South Dakota because there’s no one in the street to hit. Tourists congregate by Mount Rushmore. On a busy day, you might see a tourist bus smack into the bottom of Mount Rushmore cause the bus driver looked over to his right and started touching himself as he caught Sarah Palin’s Freedom Trailer pass him by.
The signature beer Great Plains Brewery is known for is the All-American Ale which is a powerful, white bread wonder like Sarah Palin. The water for this beer comes from an early pioneering wishing well that gold diggers still use today, just ask Heather Mills how that wish turned out for her. All American Ale is a spirited, intoxicating American Beauty that America can’t get enough of.
Grantland Lee (Baby Grand)
Baby Grand was founded by Grantland Lee who is a Dixieland piano player and band leader that had to put his playing career on hold after he punched out a New Yorker at a jazz club in Richmond for comparing his style of Dixieland Jazz to Woody Allen. Grantland is known for his fiery temper and simply got fed up with every New Yorker visitor comparing this deeply southern felt style of playing to whatever the cradle robber plays or reinterprets as authentic Dixieland Jazz. While Grantland recovered from his hand injuries, he used his down time to start playing around with his dusty old home brewing kit.
The signature beer that Grantland Lee came up with that succeeded in capturing that southern grand style that Samuel Adams couldn’t capture in that fruity ponytail get up is the Grand Dixie IPA. This beer is a hop forward but not in a pushy, Jewish New Yorker sort of way. The body is delicate and easy to throw down like Woody Allen on his latest movie set if you don't want to work for scale again.
Sissy Lou Harris (Redneck Brewery)
Sissy Lou Harris founded the Redneck Brewery in the mountains of West Virginia that currently has a population of two, her and the grown up banjo player from Deliverance. Up in the pig footed hills of West Virginia, Sissy Lou Harris started making home brews cause every time she drank moonshine she’d get blacked out and black lung cause she’d end up getting gangbanged in the coalmine. Tired of getting gangbanged by a bunch of redneck coal miners, she formed her own brand of beer that labeled those beady eyed, blank faced, haggard looking hicks that rubbed her face in the dirt and did everything to bury her goodness and fair looks into the ground.
The signature beer that she is known for is the Sour Cherry Ale which has a sour edge and snappy bite like any southern, Civil War reenactment actor.
Ben Best (Ox Men Brewery)
Ben Best founded the Ox Men Brewery outside of Milwaukee which is home to simple syrup factories that produce beer that tastes like chilled, carbonated pee but enough of Miller Lite. Ben got inspired to form his own craft beer when he watched local legend Pabst become the hipster beer of choice.
The signature beer that Ox Men Brewery became famous for is the Stubby Stout which was marketed as the power breakfast of Big Ten Champions. Stubby Stout is a strong bodied and creamy soft like a freshman girl at the University of Wisconsin before she drinks every night, gains the freshman fifty and becomes a washed out future married version of herself. Stubby Stout has long thick legs that will hold up well against any sizzling, plump Bratwurst.
Sandy Sunflower (Sunflower Brewery)
Sunflower Brewery was founded by Sandy Sunflower who was a second generation flower child from Nashville that grew up on heavy doses of Neil Young and the Allman Brothers Band. She got inspired to form the brewery because she thought that country music needed to move beyond the world of Budweiser since bands like Allman Brothers made ferocious sounding country music on acid and music city needed a new beer to represent this acclerated shift.
The signature beer that the Sunflower Brewery is known for is the Sunshine Day Dream that is a summer wheat beer that is meant to excite and refresh those jam band hoppers all summer long. It has a smooth, blond body that’s begging to get slammed.
The End
Written By,
Josh Kornbluth
