Off the List

She-Men

 I used to sell print ads for the Village Voice; I’d deal mainly with mangers of spas & restaurants in the city, I couldn’t make a pitch without hearing a comment about the sex ads which made me feel like a smut peddler interning for Larry Flynt. These people looked down on me as if the Voice hired me to be Michael Musto’s personal fluffer. They thought the ads were classless like the black and white abortion doctor ads with the steep staircase.  To make matters worse, I’d always hear comments like: Print is dead, Bro. But Sir, we have more than 50 businesses that advertise in our paper every week. I guess the Sex Toy Industry is recession proof, huh? But what you can say about the Village Voice that hasn’t been said about a dirty deck of cards or the hooker postcards that Mexicans hand out on the Las Vegas Strip?

 The Voice will advertise anything sexual, like gay escorts that fill in for Diane Von Furstenberg when Barry Diller flies of to a pool party at Calvin Klein’s House. But seriously, the Voice will advertise anything sexual like Spas that yank the stress out of you and Swinger Parties for anyone willing to schlep to Staten Island, with testimonials from hairy, middle aged, Jewish White Fish Dealers that say: The schtup is worth the schlep.  The Village Voice is like Neil Patrick Harris, you can only tolerate them in small doses. Also, I’d never read the Voice if it wasn’t free just like I’d never pay for cable again so I could watch reruns of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER.  As far as I’m concerned, the only thing attractive about the Voice is the sex ads for baby faced hookers that remind you of the Chinese girl in the overhead subway ad that says, “Learn English Now.” Neil Patrick Harris just hosted the Emmy’s. Didn’t he look cute in that White Tuxedo? He looked like a cheap Lounge Singer on a Ferry to Fire Island.

 When you sell ad space for the Village Voice, you get objections like:  You’re a downtown paper and our costumers don’t mingle with your kind. You’re an alternative paper, and I don’t like anything alternative, Nirvana included. The sex ads are cheap; they look like stamps of She Males that ran out of print in 1985. I’d always downplay the sex ad objection and go: The sex ads have gotten much smaller over the years. In fact, we only show headshots now. The dicks on chicks are nowhere in sight, I assure you.

 There’s one Sales Rep for the Voice who sells the Sex Ads for the paper, she generates more than fifty grand per week yet Management gives her no respect even though her earnings keep the paper above water and help pay for Michael Musto’s Bicycle Insurance. My major beef with the Village Voice is that they look down on the hand that feeds them. The paper hasn’t won Pulitzer since the Homeless slept in Grand Central, so they need to stop acting like this high minded, culture force that New Yorkers can’t live without. These days, the Voice is known for advertising good loving more than good writing. The paper is a hooker directory disguised as a culture guide for Foodies and Hipsters that worship Indie Rock as much as Brunch. If Norman Mailer was alive today, he’d dismiss the paper he helped create, looking down on it like his less righteous, less talented offspring.

 Written By,

 Josh Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My plan for Afghanistan

The US is sending more troops to Afghanistan because we need to show Pakistan that were still in the Al-Qaeda hunting business. But considering the fact that Bin Laden runs loose along with the rest of his Camera Crew, we look more like tourists on Safari.  Will more troops destroy the Taliban or put an end to yelling in the streets when an American Flag is being burned? Probably not. Obama thinks that more troops will prevent another Terrorist Attack. Whatever you say Bush, I mean Obama. More troops in Afghanistan won’t make that region anymore stable than Misha Barton.  Afghanistan doesn’t need more troops; it needs sinks with running water and highways that aren’t blown up like the BQE. And don’t tell me that were in Afghanistan to modernize them. The Warlords in Afghanistan are more resistant to change than the Amish.

If were committed to securing the region, then lets stop launching airstrikes on villages made of Camel Hair that can be blown down by a monster hit of Hashish. Afghanistan is responsible for 80% of the world’s Heroin production. Heroin is big business in Afghanistan. Without Heroin, the only industry worth mentioning is Sandal Making. I say legalize Heroin so you can empower the Afghani Farmers and give them something valuable to fight for. Would the legalization of Heroin turn Afghanistan into a lawless, minefield? Perhaps, but minefields are a constant there like Stonings and Bin Laden Recordings. Drug awareness programs are important. I’d require the High Schools in Afghanistan to teach a Heroin abuse class that just shows clips from Basketball Diaries, Trainspotting and Requiem from a Dream, especially the scene where Jared Leto wakes up in a hospital bed with his track covered arm missing.

Legalize Heroin in Afghanistan and tourists will pump money into the economy as they pump fun into their veins. They should legalize Heroin in Afghanistan and build an amusement park called Dope Land, but they’ll have to provide two barf bags per person, one for Heroin and one for the Rollercoaster. Junkies say that the rush from Heroin is like an orgasm times twenty. And they say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, you wish Mickey!

The government should market Afghanistan as the Heroin capital of the world known for the purest, safest, smack on the planet and encourage pale faced junkies to visit Afghanistan for some fun in the sun. The legalization of Heroin could transform the music industry in Afghanistan and generate some talent worth seeing. I mean, why can’t Afghanistan produce another Jimmy Hendrix? Although chances are he’d look more like Santana. The Taliban will shoot up more once Heroin is legal because most of them are junkies in the first place.  How else do you explain the BO and refusal to take showers for months at a time?

Is the US any safer since we invaded Afghanistan eight years ago? Not really, we let Katrina drag on longer than Puck from the Real World. It wasn’t a Terrorist attack, but how safe do African Americans feel after our government let them drown on National TV for almost an entire work week? If they legalize Heroin, the Afghani government can kill off the Taliban by shooting them up with Speedballs while the ghost of John Belushi goes: Holy shit.  They can fool the Taliban by selling it as high grade Heroin that only “Extremists”, can handle. Legalizing Heroin in Afghanistan is good for the US because the Afghani Farmers will kill off Taliban so they can keep all of that drug money for themselves. Plus, Terrorist activity will dip because high Terrorists are easier find and not nearly as motivated.

 Written By,

Josh Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reversal of Fortune

                           “I’m questioning whether law school was the right choice at all.”  

                             Anonymous, New York Times 

It’s hard being a Law Student these days. Law firms don’t throw money at them anymore. You can’t pay off your student loans unless David E. Kelley hires you as a Staff Writer for Boston Legal assuming he writes it off as a charitable donation.  Law firms are hurting because they depend on activity from Wall Street.  And those Private Equity deals have come and gone faster than Levi Johnston. High hourly fees no longer exist. You can’t charge $500 per hour unless you’re servicing Elliot Spitzer.   Law School has always been a safe haven for educated white folks that want to avoid office work out of college. It puts them at ease like they just spotted a Starbucks in a developing section of Queens.  Law School has always been a safe bet for college graduates that haven’t lived enough to decide what they really care about.  But now, the market for Lawyers is in shambles like the Clinton marriage after Bill saved those journalists. 

I can’t stand Law Students; they make me sicker than tailgating on an empty stomach.  I can’t stand the way they expect everything to fit nicely into place once they graduate. Law Students make me sick because their smug, self-assured ways make me feel bad for not having the brains to pass the LSAT or the vision to plan past my next submission for the New Yorker.  My major beef with Law Students is that most of them went to Law School to keep their parents off their back. It’s a safe move that required no thought like the Yankees resigning Derek Jeter.  Now, Law Students feel betrayed because Law Firms aren’t hiring for the first time in 50 Years.  They thought Law School was a safe bet that would lead to rich six figure deals with Law Firms that have long sounding Jewish names like GET RICH WITH STEIN AND HOLTZMAN.  Instead, Law Students are being forced to consider measly paying government jobs that suck out all the promise Law School had to offer.

Law Schools must be panicking since that article came out in the NY Times about students questioning the value of their cash cow generating institutions.  I don’t see students going into debut and burying themselves in books for the next three years if they don’t see an immediate payoff that will validate a respectable profession that kids from Westchester County fall into when they can’t think of anything else better to do with their stagnant, unproductive lives.  At least, Law School makes you a more attractive suitor with some actual upside when you try to hook up with a prosperous Yenta at Joshua Tree Bar in Murray Hill on a Thursday at 2 in the morning.   Now, that the NY Times is telling the privileged white elite to reconsider Law School, parents from Scarsdale to Great Neck are canceling their subscriptions in record numbers. Parents pushed their kids into Law School without considering a Back-Up Plan, Law School was the Back-Up Plan and that no longer seems like a reliable investment anymore than investing in the S&P 500 or films riding on dully lit comedians like Demetri Martin. 

Law Students are down in the dumps now that Law Firms are giving them the cold shoulder. Recruiters used to woo Law Students with fancy gifts and six figure salaries. Now, they’d rather teach Cover Letter Writing to disadvantaged kids that sell candy on the subway. These days, I picture Law students at Harvard University waiving copies of the NY Times going: Is Law School overrated Mr. Dershowitz? Will Obama bail out the Law Students too? Did my parents blow three hundred grand for nothing?  Would I consider the bleak job market for Law Grads justice?  Not really, but I love the fact that these, partner pursuing windbags are squirming for the first time in their mapped out, doubt free lives.

Written By,

Josh Kornbluth

 

 

Will Bernie Madoff get roasted in Hell?

Bernie Madoff is the lowest of them all, not because he stole millions from Kevin Bacon, but because he stole millions from the famous holocaust survivor, Eli Wiesel, he also stole millions of dollars from his Holocaust foundation, Jews didn't believe in hell until now, because that's right where Bernie is heading after his cell mate shanks him with his glasses. What would Satan say to Bernie, the moment he enters hell? Love, your work, I guess Jews have devil horns after all. Bernie Madoff will be roasted in hell all right, and the dais will consist of the most despicable Jews of all time, with Hitler being the MC.

 

Hitler would start the roast of Bernie Madoff by going: They say you roast the ones you love but I prefer to prefer to burn the ones I hate. Let me pat him down devil, I bet he hides silver dollars in his balls.  Woody Allen should kick the bucket soon and he's definitely heading to hell because anyone that molests their stepchildren gets an automatic entry. Can you imagine Woody Allen roasting Bernie in hell? Bernie used to be me my neighbors on the upper east side. I didn't give him any of my money to invest, but that's just because it's all tied up in Soon-Yi's G String. Bernie was only allowed one phone call in prison,he called Lucifer and cut himself a deal. The devil agreed not to prick him with his pitchfork along as he cooked the books and did his taxes. Another guy roasting Bernie would be the famous Jewish Gangster Arnold Rothstein, considering the fact he's most known for sucking the purity of our nation's most fabled pastime, when he fixed the Chicago White Sox World Series, that was later depicted in the movie Eight Men Out. Arnold Rothstein would go, Bernie is one big fat crook, are you sure your not Italian because you look like that bloated greseball, that got smoked by Dinero in the Godfather. I hate to lump Albert Einstein into the Dais, but he did play a part in creating the atom bomb.Sure, it helped us end World War II, but at what cost? Truman said, that if we didn't create it, the Germans would, but that doesn't change the fact that Einstein used his genesis to create the ultimate weapon of mass destruction, so what would Albert have to say to Bernie on the dais? He'd say, Bernie and I share a lot common, he helped created financial weapons that caused the death of capitalism, while I created two military weapons, that killed a hundred thousand Soon-Yi's.  

 

What I want to know is how did Bernie Madoff justify, scamming Eli Wiesel and his holocaust foundation. Did his conscious say, don't sweat it Bernie, Speilberg will make up the difference. They say, that Bernie would enter his guilty plea today. I wonder how that played. Judge, I'd like to plead, guilty for scamming greedy white people, but it's not like I twisted their arm, your honor, they threw money at me faster than a five punch combo from Chris Brown. The sad thing, is that this man has no regret, he's just pissed that the markets tanked, which blew the ponzi scheme up in his face. Guilty plea or not, investors will never get over this mugfest. This diabolical scam has secured Bernie a new summer home in hell. It's not like he tricked us into buying bags of oregano, this man cleaned out Eli Weisel and wiped out his Holocaust foundation. Now, that's something we can never forget.

 

Written By

Josh Kornbluth

Recession Special

I'm starting a new sales job on Monday so I'd like to reflect on my sales career and what a long ego trip it's been. I don't need steroids to get a bigger head than I already have. But why is that, how did my ego grow,what gave it such confidence? My first trace of ego, was Senior Year in High School, I had finally gone to first base with an Israeli girl the summer before. I came back to school a changed man, there was a bounce to my step but I stilled walked on my tippy toes, so it looked like I was walking through the high school gym in high heels instead of high tops.   

 

I didn't lose my virginity till I was twenty, that was a crushing blow, to my once blossoming ego. The main problem was that my younger brother had lost his virginity before me, so for many years I felt like a perpetual loser who got tripped up at the starting gate. Once I lost my virginity, I picked up any scraps of ego that were left.

 

My first sales job was about a year out of college, prior to that, my confidence was quite shaky, I was living in Los Angeles, the only person I knew out there was my roommate and he was a complete stranger. I stuttered like the fat kid from Billy Madison except I was a grown up twenty two year old who graduated from one of the top communication schools in the country. How's that for irony, my parents blow a hundred grand on my college education and I graduate from one of the best communication schools in the country with a stutter.  My first sales job was with this IT staffing firm, it introduced me to the world of cold calling which made me the man I am today. If you ask me where I got my ego from, I'd say the phone or from sporadic one night stands. My stutter kicked into overdrive whenever I made a connection with a decision maker over the phone: Hi, I was referrrrred to you as the ITTTT Manager is that corrrrrect, wrong, click. But the more I did it, the better I got. Pretty soon, I was scheduling interviews with high level IT Managers who were twice my age,  without even sending over resumes first. Bear in mind, I never met these managers either, with just one cold call, I could pick up a potential new client because they trusted the sound of confidence that blasted through their receiver. These victories helped reshape my ego, making it bigger, bolder and more resilient than before. Ultimately, it was the idea of being able to create something out of nothing that made my ego bloom.  What I mean by that is my ability to convert a cold call in a $20,000 deal with no help from anyone besides my big headed friend.The same applied to meeting woman.  The more I approached girls, the smoother I got at flirtatious banter, the reason why is because my confidence grew, and I got more comfortable expressing myself, when did this blog turn into a self ramble from Tony Robbins. 

 

Anyone that works in sales, knows that ego knocks down doors. Without ego, the door gets slammed in your face, and then they throw a DO NOT DISTURB SIGN on the doorknob. If it wasn't for ego, I wouldn't have met the love of my life, if it wasn't for ego, I wouldn't have got my new sales job. I'm finally working for a real name instead of another sketch filled staffing firm that corrupts my soul and shrinks my spirits. As Monday approachs, I better sit down with my ego and make sure he takes nothing for granted this time around, knowing that there are thousands of New Yorkers looking for work right now, I can't say their more talented, my ego won't allow it. More importantly, I need to enjoy myself this weekend and give my ego one last stroke for all it's been through. My ego was marginalized and brutalized by dismissive hiring mangers who made me feel like a bum asking for change.  It's been a humbling experience but that's what my big headed friend needed. My ego is softened and he's a better person because of it. I guess this recession is good for something.

 

Written By,

Josh Kornbluth

 

 

Start Me Up

The US government passed a 700 billion dollar stimulus package yet the economy is still limp, the Dow Jones is at a 12 year low and Donald Trump can't get it up anymore, things are looking pretty bleak indeed. At least, America could forget about the economy and just drool over Hugh Jackman for three hours during the Oscars as he sexed up a Hollywood crowd like no other. On a side note, did you know that the actress from Slum Dog Millionaire is a Latina and not Indian at all, that's like such a bummer right, finally an Indian girl I want to bang yet she's more likely to whip up a batch of Chicken Fajitas, than Chicken Masala, what a letdown, I haven't felt this betrayed since Axl Rose got plastic surgery and released Chinese Democracy. I digress but with the economy chugging along like A Rod's apology and nobody understanding how this stimulus package will generate jobs or money, Americans are at a loss for words like A Rod during his press conference. If we stand a shot at stimulating our economy, the government will have to do more than pump money into building bridges. Where are they going to build these bridges exactly, Iraq, last time I checked, every major US city had bridges, so what type of bridges does our government plan on building? Perhaps, their drawbridges that lead up to Bernie Madoff's Penthouse on the Upper East Side, can we throw that guy in Attica already, this guys sets back Jewish people fifty years, every time, I ask my girlfriend for quarters when I'm doing laundry, she says, find someone else to scheme, you quarter hoarding, Jew.

 

As the economy drops faster than Kimbo Slice, it's time for the government to revise their stimulus package and make it more gimmicky, Americans understand that language, after all were, the land of the free and home of Crazy Eddy, Girls Gone Wild and Sarah Palin. With that said, I'd like to share some of my ideas as to how we can stimulate the economy, their gimmicky, but easy to process, Americans will have no problem understanding them. First, we make a porno, that has Joe the Plummer pummel Sarah Palin on a top of a dead moose. And the beer sponsor for the film will be Moosehead. Second, we can sell our nuke secrets to the highest bidder, there should be plenty of takers because the last time I checked, the entire world wanted to smoke our ass. Can you imagine us trying to sell our nuke secrets to Iran? Hillary Clinton is like, OK, Iran, will sell you our nuke secrets for half of your oil and a carton of camels, turkish blend, but you better make up your mind fast because I got North Korea on line two. Third, we can sell Olympic Issued Rolling trays with a picture of Michael Phelps on it, lighting a fat doobie with the Olympic Torch, every dorm room in America will have one, first day it goes on sale, Tommy Chong's website crashes. The Olympic issued Michael Phelps Rolling Tray will outsell the blacklight Bob Marley poster in no time.  And the Marley kids will be forced to smoke seedy swag because all of the kids will be buying Michael Phelps Rolling Trays instead of their father's posters. Forth, we sell all of the seats on the New York Stock Exchange to OPEC, they'll pay top dollar for front row seats so they can watch the ultimate disaster flick, THE END OF CAPITALISM. Fifth, we comb the Gotti Boy's hair for oil. Sixth, penalize yuppies for raising fat kids and fine them ten grand every time their kids tests positive for diabetes. Seventh, we can clone thousands of Warren Buffet's. Eighth, the Apple Store can charge 500 bucks for anyone that wants to kick the Mac Guy in the nuts. Ninth, we can send of all the Stimulus Checks to Charles Barkley because we'll know he'll gamble it on something. Tenth, we hide a limited number of gold-plated Paris Hilton Coochie Rings at the bottom of cereal boxes called Slutty Snacks, the gold plated Coochie Ring is the equivalent to the golden tickets that are hidden in chocolate bars in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, except these are real, real slutty. Last, we can grant more work visas to smart Indian doctors who can design a miracle drug that will keep Steve Jobs alive for the next three hundred years.

 

Now, I don't expect any of these ideas to fly yet the ten grand fine for fat kids that test positive for diabetes, should be put in effect immediately. Moving forward, our government needs to get more creative when it comes to stimulating our economy, hire Madison Avenue types, Hollywood Script Doctors, Economists related to Woody Allen, loopy, Back to the Future Scientist types, anybody that posses a flair for original, zany ideas, that are catchy, gimmicky and easy to sell like Slutty Snacks or the Olympic Issued Michael Phelps Rolling Tray. When Obama became president of the United States, it sparked our imaginations and created a new reality of possibility. Let's not squander that, and plug our hole of an economy with money that hasn't even been printed yet. Do we have to save banks yes, was our auto industry screwed before the economy sank,yes, can the government, regulate the economy, let alone the war in Iraq, maybe. OK, maybe, I'm giving the government too much credit, but they do have ability to mint money and pump it back into our economy, so let's just hope, moving forward, that Obama, thinks outside the box and hires more Washington outsiders like himself to shake up the establishment and inject the place with new ideas as how to get business done in a fresh, show stopping way. Maybe, Hugh Jackman is available.

 

Written By,

Josh Kornbluth