I just got engaged. Now, the million dollar
question is whether my fiancé will convert to Judaism without holding it
against me forever. My mom converted to Judaism, she did it out love for my
father. Plus, it was her only shot of developing a relationship with his
parents. Marrying a gentile was off
limits. It was either the Hebrew way or the highway. Back then, Anti-Semitism was
strong, it experienced a slight dip after the Holocaust, but it came back with a
vengeance after the war, forcing Jews like my grandparents to work that much
harder for their limited success as they scrambled for their piece of the
American pie, although they preferred sponge cake.
Jews had a
stronger sense of identity post holocaust, being a Jew meant that you were a survivor,
I can’t say that sense of pride is there anymore, it got lost on my generation,
we didn’t have to overcome discrimination in the workplace like my grandfather
who got denied chemical engineer jobs at the major companies because they didn’t
hire Jews, it was considered bad for business when your major clients are of
the Arab persuasion. My point here is that my generation of Jews got off easy, we
didn’t grow up with depression level poverty, we didn’t have to worry about
getting the shit kicked out us for drinking in Irish bars while dancing to
House of Pain and we didn’t have to be a dreamboat student athlete like Brendan Frazier in
School Ties in order to get into Harvard University.
If my fiancé refuses to convert, will that be a
deal breaker on the entire marriage pact thing, no. At the same time, I don’t
want to hear my kids say: Daddy, why did your people kill Jesus while I go,
have you been watching Mel Gibson films again, how many times do you I have to
tell you, the Passion of the Christ and the New Testament aren’t real, their
just crude forms of Anti-Semitic propaganda, now eat your bagel and watch more
Adam Sandler films, he’s richer than Mel Gibson remember that.
Jews my age don’t make the conversion pitch
anymore. The entire concept seems ancient and increasingly irrelevant. But the
real reason why Jews don’t do it is because their pussies in this day and age,
they’d rather fit in than be politically incorrect. They choose ignorance over
pride and acceptance over tradition. God for bid, these Jews show some balls and
go, no, I won’t hang a bloody crucifix on the bathroom wall, instead of grabbing a
piece of toilet paper, I’ll reach for a tampon, the bathroom should be a place
of relaxation, not crucifixion.
This past week, my Jewish Aunt asked my fiancé about
converting to Judaism, she said, it’s not going to be a big deal for you is it,
I mean your not that into religion are you as if any intelligent, forward
thinking person would. What she really meant was: You can’t be that blinded by
Christian faith and its prophetic actors? If the whiff of Pedophilia doesn’t
want to make you, run for the nearest synagogue, I don’t know what will. You
can’t be that attached to something that doesn’t really exist. Besides, I’m
sure you outgrew things like confession and not taking birth control ages ago.
If the conversion pitch is going to work, I need
to find more role models for my fiancé to emulate like Ivanka Trump. My mom
is a solid role model in the sense that she plays the Jewish wife well and that
she does it for the sake of her husband and children. Outside of that, my mom
never offered much in terms of spiritual guidance but who does besides Shaman’s?
It’s been some time since my mom has been to Synagogue but that’s doesn’t
define her relationship with that invisible being in the sky, all it means is
that she’s values her downtime away from work and that Jewish prayer never
really did it for her. I’m sure that she has her own way of expressing thanks,
appreciation and praise to the all mighty above. If there’s a lesson, that my fiancé
can learn from my mother is that conversion is a cultural change, above all
else, especially when you’re a southern belle from Louisville Kentucky that get’s
transported to the suburban sprawl of Westchester County that’s more Jewish than
Woody Allen’s glasses.
Let’s talk about that culture change for a second.
My fiancé won’t be buried in old world Jew Dom like my mother was thirty plus
years ago. The reason why is because my generation is soft, remember, were less
intense, we don’t wear the Jew Card on our sleeves, we hide it under our
sleeves instead. Culturally speaking, I don’t see my fiancé, burning her Old
Catholic high school uniform yet. At least not until, we carry out that Nun,
molesting student fantasy of mine. I don’t see her ditching her gentile college
friends in favor of yenta Jewish friends for the sake of finding a more nasal
group of woman to go tanning with while they spend their husband’s hard earned
money on laser treatments that never seem to remove their permanently bushy
brow. Then again, my fiancé might opt for that nose job or long awaited boob
job, the more time she spends with these yap birds. Thus far, I know that the services at synagogue
on Yom Kippur wear her out, they run longer than the proceedings at Church.
Plus, she’s not used to standing for long stretches of time, at least in church
you can squeeze in kneeling when you pray. She already loves Israel, because
she saw a Discovery special on how they have best hydroponics systems in the
world. Ultimately, Jews and Gentiles define their cultural identifies through the
two major gift giving holidays Christmas and it’s glossed over, warm act, Hanukah.
I’ve budged on some conversion points like allowing a Christmas tree as long as
there’s no baby Jesus related paraphernalia or angel props in the same room
with it.
Jewish law
states that the mom must be Jewish in order for the kid to be an ordained,
certified, official Jew. It turns out that Judaism is not only the religion of
the chosen people but a religion for anyone willing to convert for it. If my fiancé,
refuses to convert, we can’t raise our kids Jewish, but there has to be
loophole to exploit somewhere, there must be some morally loose, out of work
Rabbi’s that give babies back alley conversions for the right price, if not my
future offspring are screwed, no Hebrew school for you, good luck making it in
Hollywood now.
When you convert to Judaism, god says, welcome
back, I knew you’d come to your senses sooner or later, got any good Mel Gibson
jokes for me. I kid around but raising
a Jewish family is important to me; that’s why I want my fiancé to convert to
Judaism, there you go I said it and it only took me six paragraphs to state it.
I want to raise a Jewish family because I’d like to carry on that tradition, I
don’t want to hide the Jew card up my sleeve; my Jewish identity is a source of
pride that I will carry to the casket. My
parents taught me how to
respect and love other human beings, animals not included, these are the values
I’ll impart to our children, conversion or not. Do I accept Jesus Christ as my
lord and savior no, do I accept him as the son of god, sure, does that make him
the messiah that cures the world of all it’s horrors or least track down
Osama Bin Laden, probably not. My fiancé might have a different take on it the
Jesus Messiah thing, but at least she’s not a hard line Jesus freak whose anti-birth
control pill. Jesus doesn’t have to leave her life after she
converts, I say the more prayer mates, the better.
Written By,
Josh Kornbluth