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To convert or not that is the question

I just got engaged. Now, the million dollar question is whether my fiancé will convert to Judaism without holding it against me forever. My mom converted to Judaism, she did it out love for my father. Plus, it was her only shot of developing a relationship with his parents.  Marrying a gentile was off limits. It was either the Hebrew way or the highway. Back then, Anti-Semitism was strong, it experienced a slight dip after the Holocaust, but it came back with a vengeance after the war, forcing Jews like my grandparents to work that much harder for their limited success as they scrambled for their piece of the American pie, although they preferred sponge cake.  

 Jews had a stronger sense of identity post holocaust, being a Jew meant that you were a survivor, I can’t say that sense of pride is there anymore, it got lost on my generation, we didn’t have to overcome discrimination in the workplace like my grandfather who got denied chemical engineer jobs at the major companies because they didn’t hire Jews, it was considered bad for business when your major clients are of the Arab persuasion. My point here is that my generation of Jews got off easy, we didn’t grow up with depression level poverty, we didn’t have to worry about getting the shit kicked out us for drinking in Irish bars while dancing to House of Pain and we didn’t have to be a dreamboat student athlete like Brendan Frazier in School Ties in order to get into Harvard University.

If my fiancé refuses to convert, will that be a deal breaker on the entire marriage pact thing, no. At the same time, I don’t want to hear my kids say: Daddy, why did your people kill Jesus while I go, have you been watching Mel Gibson films again, how many times do you I have to tell you, the Passion of the Christ and the New Testament aren’t real, their just crude forms of Anti-Semitic propaganda, now eat your bagel and watch more Adam Sandler films, he’s richer than Mel Gibson remember that.

Jews my age don’t make the conversion pitch anymore. The entire concept seems ancient and increasingly irrelevant. But the real reason why Jews don’t do it is because their pussies in this day and age, they’d rather fit in than be politically incorrect. They choose ignorance over pride and acceptance over tradition. God for bid, these Jews show some balls and go, no, I won’t hang a bloody crucifix on the bathroom wall, instead of grabbing a piece of toilet paper, I’ll reach for a tampon, the bathroom should be a place of relaxation, not crucifixion.

This past week, my Jewish Aunt asked my fiancé about converting to Judaism, she said, it’s not going to be a big deal for you is it, I mean your not that into religion are you as if any intelligent, forward thinking person would. What she really meant was: You can’t be that blinded by Christian faith and its prophetic actors? If the whiff of Pedophilia doesn’t want to make you, run for the nearest synagogue, I don’t know what will. You can’t be that attached to something that doesn’t really exist. Besides, I’m sure you outgrew things like confession and not taking birth control ages ago.

If the conversion pitch is going to work, I need to find more role models for my fiancé to emulate like Ivanka Trump. My mom is a solid role model in the sense that she plays the Jewish wife well and that she does it for the sake of her husband and children. Outside of that, my mom never offered much in terms of spiritual guidance but who does besides Shaman’s? It’s been some time since my mom has been to Synagogue but that’s doesn’t define her relationship with that invisible being in the sky, all it means is that she’s values her downtime away from work and that Jewish prayer never really did it for her. I’m sure that she has her own way of expressing thanks, appreciation and praise to the all mighty above. If there’s a lesson, that my fiancé can learn from my mother is that conversion is a cultural change, above all else, especially when you’re a southern belle from Louisville Kentucky that get’s transported to the suburban sprawl of Westchester County that’s more Jewish than Woody Allen’s glasses.

Let’s talk about that culture change for a second. My fiancé won’t be buried in old world Jew Dom like my mother was thirty plus years ago. The reason why is because my generation is soft, remember, were less intense, we don’t wear the Jew Card on our sleeves, we hide it under our sleeves instead. Culturally speaking, I don’t see my fiancé, burning her Old Catholic high school uniform yet. At least not until, we carry out that Nun, molesting student fantasy of mine.  I don’t see her ditching her gentile college friends in favor of yenta Jewish friends for the sake of finding a more nasal group of woman to go tanning with while they spend their husband’s hard earned money on laser treatments that never seem to remove their permanently bushy brow. Then again, my fiancé might opt for that nose job or long awaited boob job, the more time she spends with these yap birds.  Thus far, I know that the services at synagogue on Yom Kippur wear her out, they run longer than the proceedings at Church. Plus, she’s not used to standing for long stretches of time, at least in church you can squeeze in kneeling when you pray. She already loves Israel, because she saw a Discovery special on how they have best hydroponics systems in the world. Ultimately, Jews and Gentiles define their cultural identifies through the two major gift giving holidays Christmas and it’s glossed over, warm act, Hanukah. I’ve budged on some conversion points like allowing a Christmas tree as long as there’s no baby Jesus related paraphernalia or angel props in the same room with it.

 Jewish law states that the mom must be Jewish in order for the kid to be an ordained, certified, official Jew. It turns out that Judaism is not only the religion of the chosen people but a religion for anyone willing to convert for it. If my fiancé, refuses to convert, we can’t raise our kids Jewish, but there has to be loophole to exploit somewhere, there must be some morally loose, out of work Rabbi’s that give babies back alley conversions for the right price, if not my future offspring are screwed, no Hebrew school for you, good luck making it in Hollywood now.

When you convert to Judaism, god says, welcome back, I knew you’d come to your senses sooner or later, got any good Mel Gibson jokes for me.   I kid around but raising a Jewish family is important to me; that’s why I want my fiancé to convert to Judaism, there you go I said it and it only took me six paragraphs to state it. I want to raise a Jewish family because I’d like to carry on that tradition, I don’t want to hide the Jew card up my sleeve; my Jewish identity is a source of pride that I will carry to the casket.  My parents taught me how to respect and love other human beings, animals not included, these are the values I’ll impart to our children, conversion or not. Do I accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior no, do I accept him as the son of god, sure, does that make him the messiah that cures the world of all it’s horrors or least track down Osama Bin Laden, probably not. My fiancé might have a different take on it the Jesus Messiah thing, but at least she’s not a hard line Jesus freak whose anti-birth control pill. Jesus doesn’t have to leave her life after she converts, I say the more prayer mates, the better.

Written By,

Josh Kornbluth

How can you trust Iran in the first place?

The Obama effect has certainly taken hold in Iran, filling its countryman and woman with hope, hope that Democracy will prevail and that their voices of moderation will be heard. Well, it was a nice concept while it lasted. True democratic elections are hard to pull off when you have a notoriously corrupt military government in place that is run by some Supreme Leader dude, a bloodthirsty Guardian Council and a media whore of a President hell bent on proving that the Holocaust never happened, that UN inspectors are ineffectual pussies and that homo’s don’t live in his country even though he’d give head for a Nuclear warhead any day of the week.  Iran has always prided itself in offering, democratic elections; this isn’t a new concept to their country. But the idea of electing a moderate, reformed leader that represents a bridge to the old Muslim world to the modern Western one that’s full of fun filled freedoms like flashing cleavage at the flea market without getting stoned to death on the spot is too radical of a concept for the old guard to accept.

The protesters in Iran are a positive force in the sense that their telling world: Were not like our President, we voted him out along with his demonizing ways, not all of us hate Jews, some of our Persian brothers have done quite well for themselves in the City of LA, all were asking for here is some freedom to express ourselves in the form of a text, hairstyle or dress that doesn’t make us look Grim Reapers or the Ghosts of Islam’s Past. The rigged elections in Iran tell me three things. First, Iranians feel scammed into believing that Democracy could work in their favor, with President Armageddon in charge. Second, Democracy in the Middle East is doomed as long as ancient Anti-Semitic warlords are in power. Third, that Democracy and Islam don’t mix. Islamic ruled countries like Iran can’t handle freedoms like Freedom of Speech, because then they’ll be exposed even more for the ruthless, hypocritical brutes that they are, who misquote the Koran and discredit Allah by advertising Islam as a religion of hate instead of peace and understanding. Islamic run countries like Iran will always reject freedoms like the woman’s right to show a little skin on the subway, the only thing woman have the right to is the right to cover up more skin on the subway.

President Armageddon has pulled an OJ, deluding himself into thinking that’s he’s innocent of all wrongdoings which include fixing the election, stomping out the vocal majority, silencing freedom of expression and ripping the heart out of the Iranian people like the freaky Indian dude from Temple of Doom.  This alleged president has no respect for anybody. He throws parties for Holocaust deniers and builds Nuclear Plants like he was stockpiling enough Uranium to set off a mushroom cloud as big as Osama Bin Laden’s Turban.  Meanwhile, this transparent hack of a leader, says that his only use for nuclear power plants is for nuclear energy, right, that’s like Woody Harrelson saying that his only use for Marijuana plants is to cure glaucoma.

These protests prove that Tribal law trumps democratic law any day of the week especially when the Arab country is run by a shady, military government that has about as much use for human rights as ketchup packets for their Falafel. Do civil wars, overthrow corrupt governments sure, but I don’t see that replacement government being any more of a representation of Democracy than the last one, as long as their stuck in that hellhole called the Middle East. If the US government orchestrates a regime change and puts a leader in place, they’ll just use our guns against us or Israel as the ultimate f you; that’s how Democracy works in desert country. I don’t see Democracy working in any arab land until they all decide to join the US and Israel in a giant, freedom hugging, love out. Thus far, the only successful Democracy in the Middle East is Israel, yet all their  neighbors want them wiped off the face of the earth.  I can’t say that is the most inviting environment in the world. Democracy should call a 30 second timeout and think long and hard about its ability to take flight in a region that’s been bogged down by repressive, tribal minded regimes since the dawn of time. When Obama gave his speech in Cairo, he said that he would uphold Democracy in the Middle East at any cost.  Is starting a third war in Iran worth the bloodshed of more American lives while the American dream is being drowned out like inmates being water boarded in Guantanamo Bay?

John Lennon said, give peace a chance, well we gave Democracy a chance in Middle East, and it’s not working, so let’s withdraw the troops Obama, like you said you were going to do, give the Iraqi police a plunger for a graduation gift from the Police Academy, and let them kill off each other as their oil rich government picks up the cost of this war on their own tab. Stop disrespecting the memory of those who died during 9/11 so that we can squander all of the good will in the world in search of elusive oil reserves, imaginary WMD’s, and illusionary signs of a lasting democratic government in the Middle East. Islam and Democracy don’t mix, you’re the President of the United States and Hussein is your middle name, if anybody knows this crippling reality it’s you Mr. President.  I still think we should take out the President of Iran. He portrays himself as a modern man because he doesn’t wear a tie or a turban, he just wears that look of smug satisfaction in knowing that the US is tied up in two wars and can’t risk getting into another one without taking the entire world economy down with it.  In scary times like these, hiding under a Burka doesn’t seem to be such a bad idea after all.

Written By,

Josh Kornbluth