Off the List

Will Bernie Madoff get roasted in Hell?

Bernie Madoff is the lowest of them all, not because he stole millions from Kevin Bacon, but because he stole millions from the famous holocaust survivor, Eli Wiesel, he also stole millions of dollars from his Holocaust foundation, Jews didn't believe in hell until now, because that's right where Bernie is heading after his cell mate shanks him with his glasses. What would Satan say to Bernie, the moment he enters hell? Love, your work, I guess Jews have devil horns after all. Bernie Madoff will be roasted in hell all right, and the dais will consist of the most despicable Jews of all time, with Hitler being the MC.

 

Hitler would start the roast of Bernie Madoff by going: They say you roast the ones you love but I prefer to prefer to burn the ones I hate. Let me pat him down devil, I bet he hides silver dollars in his balls.  Woody Allen should kick the bucket soon and he's definitely heading to hell because anyone that molests their stepchildren gets an automatic entry. Can you imagine Woody Allen roasting Bernie in hell? Bernie used to be me my neighbors on the upper east side. I didn't give him any of my money to invest, but that's just because it's all tied up in Soon-Yi's G String. Bernie was only allowed one phone call in prison,he called Lucifer and cut himself a deal. The devil agreed not to prick him with his pitchfork along as he cooked the books and did his taxes. Another guy roasting Bernie would be the famous Jewish Gangster Arnold Rothstein, considering the fact he's most known for sucking the purity of our nation's most fabled pastime, when he fixed the Chicago White Sox World Series, that was later depicted in the movie Eight Men Out. Arnold Rothstein would go, Bernie is one big fat crook, are you sure your not Italian because you look like that bloated greseball, that got smoked by Dinero in the Godfather. I hate to lump Albert Einstein into the Dais, but he did play a part in creating the atom bomb.Sure, it helped us end World War II, but at what cost? Truman said, that if we didn't create it, the Germans would, but that doesn't change the fact that Einstein used his genesis to create the ultimate weapon of mass destruction, so what would Albert have to say to Bernie on the dais? He'd say, Bernie and I share a lot common, he helped created financial weapons that caused the death of capitalism, while I created two military weapons, that killed a hundred thousand Soon-Yi's.  

 

What I want to know is how did Bernie Madoff justify, scamming Eli Wiesel and his holocaust foundation. Did his conscious say, don't sweat it Bernie, Speilberg will make up the difference. They say, that Bernie would enter his guilty plea today. I wonder how that played. Judge, I'd like to plead, guilty for scamming greedy white people, but it's not like I twisted their arm, your honor, they threw money at me faster than a five punch combo from Chris Brown. The sad thing, is that this man has no regret, he's just pissed that the markets tanked, which blew the ponzi scheme up in his face. Guilty plea or not, investors will never get over this mugfest. This diabolical scam has secured Bernie a new summer home in hell. It's not like he tricked us into buying bags of oregano, this man cleaned out Eli Weisel and wiped out his Holocaust foundation. Now, that's something we can never forget.

 

Written By

Josh Kornbluth

Recession Special

I'm starting a new sales job on Monday so I'd like to reflect on my sales career and what a long ego trip it's been. I don't need steroids to get a bigger head than I already have. But why is that, how did my ego grow,what gave it such confidence? My first trace of ego, was Senior Year in High School, I had finally gone to first base with an Israeli girl the summer before. I came back to school a changed man, there was a bounce to my step but I stilled walked on my tippy toes, so it looked like I was walking through the high school gym in high heels instead of high tops.   

 

I didn't lose my virginity till I was twenty, that was a crushing blow, to my once blossoming ego. The main problem was that my younger brother had lost his virginity before me, so for many years I felt like a perpetual loser who got tripped up at the starting gate. Once I lost my virginity, I picked up any scraps of ego that were left.

 

My first sales job was about a year out of college, prior to that, my confidence was quite shaky, I was living in Los Angeles, the only person I knew out there was my roommate and he was a complete stranger. I stuttered like the fat kid from Billy Madison except I was a grown up twenty two year old who graduated from one of the top communication schools in the country. How's that for irony, my parents blow a hundred grand on my college education and I graduate from one of the best communication schools in the country with a stutter.  My first sales job was with this IT staffing firm, it introduced me to the world of cold calling which made me the man I am today. If you ask me where I got my ego from, I'd say the phone or from sporadic one night stands. My stutter kicked into overdrive whenever I made a connection with a decision maker over the phone: Hi, I was referrrrred to you as the ITTTT Manager is that corrrrrect, wrong, click. But the more I did it, the better I got. Pretty soon, I was scheduling interviews with high level IT Managers who were twice my age,  without even sending over resumes first. Bear in mind, I never met these managers either, with just one cold call, I could pick up a potential new client because they trusted the sound of confidence that blasted through their receiver. These victories helped reshape my ego, making it bigger, bolder and more resilient than before. Ultimately, it was the idea of being able to create something out of nothing that made my ego bloom.  What I mean by that is my ability to convert a cold call in a $20,000 deal with no help from anyone besides my big headed friend.The same applied to meeting woman.  The more I approached girls, the smoother I got at flirtatious banter, the reason why is because my confidence grew, and I got more comfortable expressing myself, when did this blog turn into a self ramble from Tony Robbins. 

 

Anyone that works in sales, knows that ego knocks down doors. Without ego, the door gets slammed in your face, and then they throw a DO NOT DISTURB SIGN on the doorknob. If it wasn't for ego, I wouldn't have met the love of my life, if it wasn't for ego, I wouldn't have got my new sales job. I'm finally working for a real name instead of another sketch filled staffing firm that corrupts my soul and shrinks my spirits. As Monday approachs, I better sit down with my ego and make sure he takes nothing for granted this time around, knowing that there are thousands of New Yorkers looking for work right now, I can't say their more talented, my ego won't allow it. More importantly, I need to enjoy myself this weekend and give my ego one last stroke for all it's been through. My ego was marginalized and brutalized by dismissive hiring mangers who made me feel like a bum asking for change.  It's been a humbling experience but that's what my big headed friend needed. My ego is softened and he's a better person because of it. I guess this recession is good for something.

 

Written By,

Josh Kornbluth