Uncle Sam axes the NASA Program over lack of star power

Kennedy Space Center, Florida-Uncle Sam finally pulled the plug on NASA which used to be America’s sweetheart yet in recent years in became a washed up, low earning Donnie Brosco. NASA was like Macaulay Culkin. It peaked early, became complacent and never matched its initial level of superstardom. Like most child actors they lost their drawing power. In the end, NASA couldn’t make enough money to pay for an autograph booth at Comic-Con. Leading Rocket Scientists from MIT, say that Uncle Sam pulled the plug on this declining program because the American public grew tired of financing projects that dragged on longer than a coked out Keith Olbermann. NASA never topped the high of landing on the moon before the Russians. The only way to beat it was mooning those commie bastards through the window of the Apollo.

NASA peaked early in the 60’s like Jefferson Airplane. The only difference is that the band never came back to earth, remaining permanent space cadets forever. NASA was known for projects that never went anywhere. Space projects at NASA left the ground the as much as an all American, Center from French Lick, Indiana. The majority of the projects that did leave the ground, ended in disaster. The Kennedy Space Center, home too many of their shuttle launches, produced more burnouts than Haight Ashbury. NASA launches used to bring in huge numbers yet the last one went unnoticed like future rocket scientists in high school cafeterias. NASA’S continued to decline over the years.  Economists gave NASA a hard time for taking so many trips to the moon saying: How many moon rocks can you collect? Expensive hobby, don’t you think? Neil Armstrong says that NASA  lost its star power as soon as they made a habit of sending Astronauts into the ground instead of Outer Space.

Astronauts ruled the world when Neil Armstrong landed on the moon. His famous words were: This is one small step for man and one giant leap for American Flag sales, USA, USA. The only Astronaut mention over the past decade was the Fatal Attraction one who spent more time in diapers than in space.

Once the eighties rolled around, our ADD kicked in as a nation. The only famous Astronaut then was the one did promos for MTV. Around this time, the cold war was over. If you spotted a Russian leader, it’s because you saw the crap stain on Gorbachev’s head in that Land of Confusion video. The Eighties ushered in the era of the big blockbuster, George Lucas took our imaginations to a galaxy far, far away; NASA even named a space station after one his movies. So how did NASA blow our minds? By sending a monkey to the moon like they were shooting Smokey and the Bandit in Space. Chances are; the marketing genius behind that move was the same guy at Fox who passed on Star Wars.

NASA never did much with Mars. All we know about Mars is that life might have existed on it. But we don’t really know that anymore than what happened in the movie Total Recall. Hiring Michael Buffer to do the countdowns before blast off would have given their ratings a boost if he went 3,2,1 lets get ready to rumble as the rocket boosters shook the shit out of the sky and threw off Michael Jackson’s balance as he tried to moonwalk into Heaven.

Written By,

 Josh Kornbluth