Off the List

Rodney Dangerfield as Stan Van Gundy

EXT: Hallway outside the Orlando Magic Locker Room

Stan Van Gundy

Yes, it’s true. Dwight Howard tried to get me fired. Van Gundy’s get less respect than a bad toupee.

Reporter Number One

How you do feel about your franchise player backstabbing you, trying to destroy your reputation and ruin your livelihood in the process? Isn’t Dwight Howard supposed to be a giving, charitable Christian?

Stan Van Gundy

Dwight, is as charitable as it gets, if Precious ever ran out of Tampons, I’m sure he’d offer up one of his shoulder pads.

Reporter Number One

We all know Dwight isn’t generous. If he was, he’d piggy back Jameer Nelson back to respectability, but we all know that the promise of that one two punch has passed.

Stan Van Gundy

Let’s save the biting commentary for the coach, Mike Wallace. But yes, Jameer Nelson is Dwight’s, backwards ass, side show clown. He’s doesn’t hustle, play hard or listen to direction either. Together, I call them Kris Krossed.

Report Number One

Do you think Dwight Howard has what it takes to win a title?

Stan Van Gundy

I don’t give a shit anymore. The black superman tried to get my ass fired faster than a speeding bullet. Nate Robinson can sneak up from behind naked and give him a flying tea bag for all I care.

Dwight Howard comes out of the locker room and greets Stan with a lumbering, forced, ultra awkward, Octopus wrap around, squeamish hug with his extra long, slime conjuring, tentacle size arm. Dwight Howard forces that goofy, loveable, all American big man smile that has worn thin.

Dwight Howard

What’s the game plan against the Knicks coach?

Stan Van Gundy

Suffocate Carmelo, force him to hurl jumpers from midcourt, bear hug Steve Novak until he drops the belt routine and keep Chandler off the boards. Make sure he doesn’t reach over you and grab those loose balls which are a tall order because the size your balls are hard for even NBA big men to grasp. Ok, I’m done here guys. Take over Dwight. Good luck with Jameer Nelson leading you to NBA immortality.

Stan Van Gundy wobbles out of the locker room with a look of clammy, disgust like he just got molested in public on set of OZ.

Reporter Number One

So Dwight, we just heard that you just asked management to fire Stan Van Gundy repeatedly.

Dwight Howard

Who’s your source?

Reporter Number Two

Uh, your coach just validated it for us. Why else do you think that forced affection arm sling hug was more awkward than the time his brother clung on to Alonzo Mourning like a sand blown Palm Tree during a hurricane?

Dwight Howard

(Playing dumb, not a stretch)

Who’s your source?

Reporter Number Three

Dwight, your own coach just said that you tried to get rid of him throughout the season and that it came straight from the top. Do you care to comment on that?

Dwight Howard

I don’t know what you’re talking about? Who’s your source?

Reporter Number One

Just continue to play dumb, Dwight, it’s worked out so well for you so far. Who’s you’re source, who’s your source, you’re a giant baby.

Dwight Howard

What if I did try to get him fired so what? Carmelo just did it, MJ and Magic before him?

Reporter Number One

Carmelo was our third best scorer in the Olympics. MJ is MJ and Magic made HIV disappear. Your ‘e not in the same class because you have none to begin with. And you’re the source of that, not Stan Van Gundy. As we fade out.

The End

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Getting sold, played and touched by the WWE

Watching WrestleMania 28 on Pay-Per-View last Sunday made me realize how much I was sold on this being a must-see, can’t miss event. I fell victim to the once in a lifetime hype that super charged the Rock, Cena throw down, in Miami, home of the millions, and millions of fans that love to chant Rocky and rip off Stallone’s legendary creation in the processs. The end of an era headline used to sell the Undertaker, Triple H match worked on me so good, I actually cared about the legacy of Triple H for a change.

And the build up to the Chris Jericho, CM Punk face off, fed into my longing for reliving those high flying, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon years of the WWF when wrestlers like Super Fly Jimmy Snuka, Ricky the Dragon and the always dapper Tito Santana, reigned supreme. You ever notice how Tito Santana’s mame of hair never got wrinkled no matter how many times he charged into an opponent off the ropes with his driving, clothesline? Tito Santana's record at WrestleMania was 2-9 by the way. That’s lame considering his competition, Greg the Hammer Valentine looked out of shape even back then. Mr. Wonderful had that awesome pile driver and the most glittering, star worthy robes and a name that edged out Mr. Perfect. So you know what I take that back. Tito didn’t get screwed. He held on to the Intercontinental Championship Belt for a long time when belt changes in the WWF were about as common as Elizabeth caught not wearing any makeup.

Just like Alec Baldwin says in Glengarry Ross, the WWE is always closing. Critics bash the WWE for now becoming more about smack talk than actual wrestling. But how else do you expect the fans to get consumed into the ongoing drama leading up to WrestleMania? The typical tough guy, scared guy, weasel guy posturing and signature match ending moves offer little surprise on weekly television airings of Raw and Smackdown. Pay-Per -View time is must see time because that’s when feuds are settled, legends are made and when Vince deposits another money load into the bank. That’s the way it’s always been and always will be; it’s Capitalism 101, WWE style.

WWE is always pitching, pushing and packaging its sports entertainment product. It’s pretty awe inspiring for anyone that’s ever worked in sales or entertainment for a living. It’s also quite overwhelming knowing that the WWE machine was back in action on Monday for Monday Night Raw right after the four hour Wrestlemania extravaganza Sunday night. Letting the WWE take a night off after its own Super Bowl event would be a nice touch and allow fans at least one day to soak in what just happened, but that’s not how Vince rolls. The show must go on and they don’t shut down money making Broadway shows the day after the Tony Awards either. I don’t know that for a fact but it sounds like a convincing argument.

Being played with by the WWE is a humiliating feeling, knowing that I wasn’t any different from the millions of teenage wrestling fans that got tricked into thinking for a fleeting moment that Shawn Michaels sweet chin music was going to end the dead man’s undefeated streak at Wrestlemania. I beat myself up over how gulible I felt all night. It felt like I was duped into buying a bag of oregano from an underclassman in high school all over again.

Logically, there was no way the Undertaker was going to lose this match. The guy is immortal for Christ sake. He’s never lost at WrestleMania. He’s outlasted all the other scary, haunted characters like Mike Meyers without the mask. Yet all of a sudden, he’s going to lose to Triple H because the ex-Playgirl Centerfold bails him out with a stiff kick to the chin. Like that’s going to be the difference maker in the match after the Undertaker got crushed with a sledgehammer for what felt like the entire duration of the Peter Gabriel video twelve times in a row. Yes, we all thought that the Shawn Michaels kick would be that difference maker in the end. Joining forces with Triple H was the only way to end the winning streak and what better pair of wrestling buds to do it we thought.

When Shawn Michael’s dropped the Undertaker with the swift, elongated chin kick that reached for the heavens, my heart jumped out its chest and came slinging straight back up like it just went bungee jumping without expecting it. You can’t beat this level of high drama anywhere, not even on Broadway. If you were a fan of the WWF as a kid, you can’t help but be emotionally invested in this type of high stakes, modern living folklore.

The Undertaker is a role of a lifetime and he’s milked it for everything its worth. My generation has such deep rooted connections to this type of entertainment. Are ties to characters like the Undertaker have been in place for some time and are impossible to replicate. Tony Soprano had a run that was Big Boss Man long but that’s it. If Don Draper choked on his puke while passed out on his desk, I wouldn’t be bothered by it, is all I’m saying.

Everything after the Triple H, Undertaker match was anti-climatic. I didn’t care if CM Punk closed the casket on Chris Jericho’s career for good. Chris Jericho is a successful, rock star that has had a better second act than 99% of all professional wrestlers once they left the wrestling business. So how much empathy is Jericho going to drum up exactly? It was exciting to see to CM Punk and Jericho face off knowing that they became marital artists and hot shot tamales from their fighting days in Japan and Mexico during their formative, wrestling years. The alcoholic dad insults that were supposed to make CM Punk lose his cool so he’d get disqualified was unnecessary knowing that their mere athleticism and wrestling talent alone would make the fight legendary as is. Making references to CM Punk’s alcoholic dad was so cheesy, it made Virgil’s sleeveless white tuxedo blush.

Rock beating Cena didn’t pack an emotional wallop because Cena is new school, a tad clunky and doesn’t stimulate the imagination the way old school livings legends do. Plus, the Rock always wins at everything and I was much more interested in what he had to say about being victorious instead.

After Triple H got pinned, his best friend and guest referee Shawn Michaels and his arch nemesis, the Undertaker put him between them and escorted him out of the ring, with his dead arms draped around their shoulders looking like a swelled up Jesus post crucifixion.

Helping Triple H out of the ring with his dead arms flung over Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker was such a natural expression of manly brotherhood that was as real as it gets. But the most heart pulsating moment of the night was when the Undertaker, Shawn Michaels and Triple H held each other close for a collective embrace as the crowd stood on their feet, showering them with love for giving them the most heart splattering send off imaginable. You couldn’t help but feel a surge in pride and renewed respect for such a classy gesture from legendary wrestling royalty.

There’s only been 17 Hell in the Cell Matches and I think Triple H and Undertaker killed each other in like twelve of them. I don’t see Daniel Bryan, Cody Rhodes or any other of the new age, small men, absorbing that level of punishment without being shattered to pieces on the spot. This match really was the end of an era and better than advertised. How rare is that?

Steamboat versus Macho Man, Hogan versus Rock, Hogan versus Andre were all electrifying Wrestlemania matches that were flush with emotional peaks. But none of those events came close to touching me the way this band of brothers embrace did. It was a privilege to be a part of this living legends tribute as they made their last gut spilling charge toward wrestling immortality. Tito Santana's hair from the nineties never knew perfection like this.

Written By,

Josh Kornbluth

 

 

Knicks Pocket Dictionary-Modern Edition

 

Knicks Pocket Dictionary-Modern Edition

Ewinging-it (v)

Butterfingers caused from excessive flop sweat over facing superior talent that consistently overpowers you, diminishes your legacy and uproots any sense of security on your home floor.  

Gundy (v and n)

Studying game film all night,  know it all intuitiveness, lofty, New York superiority,  refreshingly honest, unfiltered, criticism, an articulate, informed David Stern basher and clinging on to a tree trunk or NBA center for dear life.

Houston’s (n)

An upper, middle tier steakhouse chain but not in the same league as Morton’s or Ruth’s Chris and an injury plagued, salary cap hogging, lame excuse for a franchise player.

Leeing (v)

Wanting to stay but being forced to leave your team and make way for more freakishly athletic players that don’t have the weak white boy stigma attached to them.

Linergy(n)

Elevated, unified state of basketball team play that produces maximum, pun productivity, courtside celebrity awkwardness and nauseating levels of bandwagon fever.

LJ (N)

Damaged goods, sudden loss of all explosiveness and accelerated physical deterioration that plagues ex-All stars turned Knicks like Steve Franics, Kiki Vandeweghe, Rolando Blackman, Glen Rice and Amare Stoudemire.  

Marvonize (v)

Smooth, ratatat, play by play banter, that oozes charm, has plenty of bite and leaves an indelible mark on NBA broadcasting, wearing woman’s panties while not breaking character to answer the door for room service.

Mason-Cut (n and v)

A hair style that promotes an NBA team logo in a stylish, subtle, creative way and flashy, impressive coast to coast dribbling skills for a snarling, out of nowhere, undisputed, NBA tough guy.    

Melonate (v)

To contemplate lost fortune, lose all faith in an elite scorer and to become bitter over a failing savior.  

Nate-gator (v)

When forced shots and out of control play outweighs any previous, offensive feats.

Oakley’s (n)

A carwash that can charge whatever it wants because nobody dares to call an offensive charge on its owner, Charles, strong as Oak, Oakley.   

Starbury (v)

To close the deal in the back of a truck, fulfill promise in China, break free from the curse of Isaiah Thomas.

Stark-Wall (n)

The most painful reminder of talent limitations, a harsh grounding in reality, where mental toughness dissipates and the point where you exceed your capacity for zone type play during an NBA championship.  

Spree (v)

To flee from a menacing, impending choke hold.

Thomultuous (n)

An undeserved, drawn out period of stinking up the joint and taking everyone else with you down the toilet including offspring that get accused of being the one who overdosed on Lunesta, allegedly.

X-Man (n)

A super human bad ass, known for a penetrating, eye popping stare that freezes NBA players into lifeless stone figures like a bald Medusa.

 

Written By

Josh Kornbluth

 

 

 

Why should we respect Joe Paterno now?

Why is everyone so afraid to say it? Joe Pateno was a creep of the highest order and main protector of one monster mugged pedophile. He is the all time winning coach in college football yet he’s also the biggest loser in the humanity and empathy department. When you’re deemed bigger and powerful than the school itself and do nothing to usurp evil for the greater good of innocent children then you’re a spineless snake that isn’t good enough for pet food in Slash’s snake pit.

What’s so legendary about a coach that didn’t blow the whistle on a pedophile that raped school boys on Penn state grounds? What’s so legendary about a coach that always looks like he never showered? That’s why Sandusky practically got away with murder in the showers because he knew that he’d never find Paterno in there.  If Paterno was such a legendary coach he’d know when to play a prevent defense when his integrity and legacy was on the line? If Joe Paterno was such a legendary coach that why couldn’t he read the through the Pedophile Defense, “Just soaping them down Joe, nothing to see here but sparkling scrotums.” If Joe Paterno was such a legendary coach then why couldn’t he take down the tackle dummy coach that ripped underprivileged children apart by the seams? Even the Jackson Family thinks that Paterno should’ve called a play for pass interference. They say Joe was a real fan of the Greek classics. I guess his defense was: The Greeks did it to young boys, so can Sandusky as long I beat Bear Bryant in all time wins.

Why should we respect Paterno now, knowing that he clung on to Sandusky like his decrepit windbreaker even though he was accused of molesting an entire pee wee league? I’m so tired of hearing how Paterno was a molder of men. Let’s call him a great sculptor of scruples while we’re at it, NOT. If he was such an honorable man that instilled such stand-up character then why didn’t he stand up to Sandusky and boot him out of the Penn state family once there was an eye witness account of him wrestling with boys in the shower like it was OZ for pedophiles.  Paterno did nothing to throw Sandusky into the dog pound or put him under. Instead, he gave him a longer leash than Michael Jackson’s jailed doctor. And for all the talk of him creating such classy men from Penn State, not one has rebuked their allegiance to Joe papa don’t preach to me, about protecting pedophiles Paterno.

I just don’t get why the media insists on portraying this sack of moral-less bones as an innocent by-stander like he was some hairy lipped Italian grandma that got flashed in the middle of Times Square but was too freaked out to point the pointy headed perpetrator.

Paterno was a coward, a fraud and despicable figure for any university even by divinity school standards in Boston.  Screw Joe Paterno, screw Penn State and screw anyone that insists on calling him a legend after he dropped the ball during the most crucial stand of his life. Legend, butter fingers is more like it.

Written By,

Josh Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

Long time Eli fan, first time caller

INT: WFAN-DAY

(Mike Francesa, Josh Kornbluth)

Mike

We have Josh from Edgemont, NY. 

Josh

Long time Eli fan, first time caller Mike.

Mike

I wonder who this call is going to be about.

Josh

How could you bet against Eli Manning against Aaron Rodger’s?  He’s silenced more sportswriters than the papers that can no longer afford them? What happened to your NY pride? Did you swallow it along with the Mad Dog’s broadcasting career?

Mike

I saw Aaron Rodgers play at a superhuman level all year. I don’t know what happened.

Josh

I tell you what happened. Eli bent Rodgers over and got all the play action he wanted for four whole quarters, that’s what happened.  The baby faced road warrior lead another powerhouse victory that power slammed MR. Perfect into the ground.   How you can bet against Eli? Did you think that his performance against Atlanta was just a peak of bigger things to come like another intercepted text from Brett Favre?

Mike

Aaron Rodgers just had one of the best seasons in NFL history. And they hadn’t lost at Lambeau field all season.

Josh

Eli isn’t intimidated by a bunch of cheese heads. He lives in Hoboken New Jersey which is as cheesy as it gets. Plus, Eli is a member of football royalty. What is Aaron Rodgers a member of besides the NRA and the local elk club? You never bet against Eli in the post season, Mike. He already out-dueled a Greek God when he won his first ring. All Aaron Rodgers had to do was overpower a peg legged, predator in the Super Bowl in order to get what Eli already had. 

Mike

Look, I’ve always said that Eli’s legacy in this town is secure no matter what happened after he beat Brady and the Pats. But Aaron Rodgers only had six interceptions this year.

Josh

You screwed up Mike. Unlike the other deferential douche bags that call this show, I’m not concerned with getting your professional opinion on whether Eli will win it all now, because you’ve lost that privilege for making no effort to pump up our prospects of winning again in Green Bay. As usual, you insist on dragging out that dronish, sobering, admonishing tone with any New Yorker that dared to believe in Eli getting the job done again. Yet according to you the difference between 2008 and now was about as pronounced as the difference between a three and five year Wisconsin Cheddar from Trader’s Joes.

Mike

Eli is an elite quarterback yet Aaron Rodgers had an awful game which the Giants exploited.

Josh

Why are you still so rock hard over Aaron Rodgers? Eli beat the freaking Silver Surfer that get’s ridden by a perfect ten every night.  The only thing Aaron Rogers is linked to our Wisconsin Bratwursts tailgating parties, rotten cheese and paper champions like Stallone before he beat MR. T in Rocky III.  He’s also an inferior commercial spokesperson that doesn’t even get any lines in his commercials which is more than you say for the lines that form on Giselle’s coffee table.

 Mike

Normally, I’d cut you off five rants ago but we don’t seem to have any other callers today.

Josh

They don’t care about your opinion anymore Mike. It has as much creditability as Peyton’s Manning’s chiropractor.  Now if you promise to never undersell Eli again, I’ll let you have your listener’s back even though you treat them like a collection of dumb girls that you make no effort to charm or take seriously.

Mike

I’ve been the voice of New York sports radio for twenty plus years.  The New Yorker called me the man with Brent Musburger’s brain. I even co-hosted a radio show with Bill Parcels for Christ sake. And you are going to trying to intimate me, Josh, from Edgemont, NY?

Josh

I think I already did.  Eli for President, Baba Booey, click.

 

                                                                    The End

 Written By,

 Who else but Josh Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

David Stern hates Purple and Gold People

Since David Stern shot down the trade that would have brought Chris
Paul to the Los Angels Lakers, celebrities and famous athletes of all
stripes have been acccusing him of hating Purple and Gold People. “He vetoed the
trade for Chris Paul to prove who owns who according to gangsta rap
pioneer turned family friendly mogul, Ice Cube. He never said it but
by vetoing the trade he is one upping Obama going: Who’s got the
vetoing power now, biatch”, Ice Cube added.

When you hate Purple and Gold People you hate show time. “For David
Stern show time was the time at fat camp in the showers when everyone
showed off their fresh crop of pubic hair while he had nothing to show
which was way too much to bare”, according to Hall of Fame, HIV hurdler,
Magic Johnson. “If David Stern is so concerned with adopting the city
of New Orleans and helping out the disenfranchised then he should have
arranged a sale to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie”, says: former LSU star
and hoop collapsing dunk king, Shaquille O’Neal.

“Who does David Stern think he is, adopting ownership of the New
Orleans Hornets like he was Mr. Drummond trying to prevent a massive molestation at the Superdome”, says, last cast star standing, Todd Bridges. “If David Stern wasn’t so stingy;
he’d give the Lakers a shot to rack up more glittering rings yet they
don’t call him the Small Tipper for nothing”, says ex-Laker, Wilt the
Stilt otherwise known as the Big Dipper among his 100,000 lady flapping fans.

“He hates Purple and Gold People because they get access to the most
magnificent concentration of beauties in the world yet he’s always had
zero moves to the hole which is why I think he’s such  a hater”, says,
former hooker haggling, hoop legend, James, ten times faster than
McHale, Worthy.  When David Stern went to camp, his bunkmates, sky hooked
his swimming goggles into the bunk hamper every week during Laundry
Day which is why he’s so insistent on wrecking havoc on the Lakers
according to the NBA’s all time leading scorer and biggest loser in
stock market history, Kareem Adul Jabbar.

“He is a joyless toad that is intent on denying joy to the sunshine
state as he rots away in the staid suburban enclave of Westchester
county while our best and brightest stay up late bedding playmates”,
says lifestyle icon, Hugh Hefner.  “Just when the Lakers were on the verge of scoring big, David Stern got in the way which makes him a cock blocker of the highest order”, added free speech icon, Larry, loose lipped Flynt.

The hardcore courtside fans know foul play when they see it.  “From where I stand, David Stern shouldv'e beem charged with a lane violation every time he stepped out of his commissioner booth to shoot down the series of arranged deals”, says Jack, Cookoo for cocaine, Nicholson. Other purple and gold cheering, courtside celebrities believe that he is punishing their fan base to make up for his own sexual shortcomings. He’s the only guy that went to Mardi Gras in college who got all the purple and gold beads for promising to keep his cloths on says, Dyan can barley afford these tickets anymore, Cannon. “This nasty little warlock thinks he’s so smart yet he has no idea how to score in the triangle offense”, she added.

According to Nickki Finn at Deadline Hollywood, David Stern’s hatred
of Purple and Gold people reached a boiling point when his son was
denied an internship at DreamWorks. Steven Spielberg wrote his son
off as a substandard dreamer; David Geffen didn’t find him nearly cute
enough and was overheard at Calvin Klein’s pool house in Southampton
by the bilingual cabaña boy saying he had no interest in hiring a dumpy, uninspired version of Jeffrey Katzenberg’s kid.

Purple and Gold People aren’t used to such overt racism. They have keys the city of LA yet deep down they know that Stern wouldn’t trust them to valet his Audi. “Even purple and gold people have feelings says MJ stalker, Kobe Bryant.”

Even after offering to pay their wages, Lamar Odom can’t pay a camera
crew to film his reality show in Dallas. “If you think World Peace
went nuts when he attacked the fans at Auburn Hills, just wait and see
what Lamar does to the fans in Dallas when opposing fans start calling
Chloe Kardashian Leather Face which could lead to modern day Texas
Chainsaw Massacre”, says, horror movie maestro,
Robert Rodriquez.

Purple and Gold People are accustomed to being envied but never
snickered at yet haters including Stern can’t help themselves now that
their calling LA, Lob City in honor of Paul and Griffin. Now, this capped duo is a bigger draw than Kobe and Gasol otherwise known as me and my bitch. According to Laker management, fan support is pretty shaky these days. “Fan support is about as firm as a limp handed handshake from Perez Hilton”, says Knick fan lifer, Chris Rock.

By negating the Laker deal for Chris Paul, David Stern has shown how much he hates Purple and Gold People, particularly, the self-proclaimed Mamba who’s now coiling in fear at the prospect of never slithering away from MJ’s shadow.  Recent reports claim that a stand-by room service agent at the Mercer Hotel for Kayne West overheard him yelling at Stuart Scott on Sportscenter saying: “Stop dancing around it Stuart, just say David Stern hates Purple and Gold People, particularly, Kobe.  Even your glass eye can see that.”

Written By

Josh Kornbluth

Back to the NBA, I say no, no, no!

NBA Corporate Office

645 Fifth Avenue New York, NY 10022

 

NBA fans born in the USA:

I’m not going to lose any sleep if any NBA stars defect overseas. Kobe can seek asylum in Switzerland the next time he gets charged with rape like the once high flying Roman Polanski. The international game is prettier to look which makes the NBA game look like sloppy seconds. International players like Dirk or Yao are better role models for the game overseas than the self-anointed Mamba. Kobe is like Carmageddon.  He’ll draw traffic in the lane but nobody really gives shit outside of LA.  Plus the NBA fans would prefer more substitute international players because they can’t stomach the bloated, chemistry destroying contracts that were dished out to the likes of Eddy Curry. Last, more international players will rise the basketball IQ in the states because unlike our student athletes, they actually study. NBA players need the NBA more than the NBA needs them. Just look at how many foreign players were drafted this year. I haven’t seen that many Europeans get bailed out since the Marshall Plan. What do NBA players feel that they offer basketball overseas?  Flashier play, greater displays of athleticism or better hip hop selections for opening warm-ups?

NBA players have an inflated sense of worth. Outside of Kobe, Dirk, Wade, and Pierce, the NBA has no championship playmakers that can create their own shots and be considered proven difference makers in the postseason.  Gasol, Garnett and Duncan are the only established big men to perform at the superstar level when the championship is on the line. Durant and Derrick Rose are close to becoming the next great playmakers whereas CP3, Amare, and Carmelo have less time to prove that they are capable of claiming that mantle. Nobody knows if Dwight Howard will ever be that franchise player that could dominate a championship game and enforce his will the way Hakeem The Dream did. Can you imagine if Hakeem had Howard’s leaping ability? He would've cleared Ewing’s high top with ease.  

Name another player that I should waste my breath on that means anything meaningful to this league’s appeal overseas now that Yao is gone.  I’m sorry did you say Deron Williams, New Jersey Net fan.  Sure, he’s a top three point guard but his leadership ability is questionable at best.   How can he expect to lead the Nets when he’d prefer to play in Turkey over working out with Avery Johnson this summer who knows what it takes to win on the biggest stage of them all?  Leaving Newark to play in the promised land will make you king of the Middle East jocks, that’s it.  Make a Mecca to Turkey and see if that gets you any closer to achieving basketball immortality.  Nothing screams I want to play in Newark more than running halfway around the globe to play ball in Turkey.  Deron Williams has no rings yet he thinks that he’ll be a bigger draw in Turkey than Moroccan Hash.  Deron Williams isn’t a proven hit maker yet.  He won't lead any international defection from the NBA.  Can you imagine him trying to convince Amare to play in Turkey? The next day Amare would upload a Youtube video and rap:  He tried to make me go to Turkey and I said, no, no, no, Newark must really blow, blow, blow.  

Does Deron Williams feel that Muslim fans in Turkey are more die hard extremists? Let’s see how that following enhances his street value on Madison Ave.  If he makes that move, every NBA owner will look down on him like some hired mercenary that has no loyalty to his country like Dolph Lundgren in the Expendables.  With Deron gone, the Brooklyn Nets will have as much drawing power as an NRA meeting in Park Slope.

NBA players talk about winning over new fans overseas but what real relationship do they have with fans at home?  Dwight Howard sends out Twitter invites to play games of Horse with any followers that can break free from work and work around his schedule. This guy can dunk a basketball by pole vaulting off his cock yet I’m going to beat him by draining my flat footed threes like a whiter Dell Curry. Seems like a publicity stunt to me.  I don’t see how the players overseas can be any softer than the American ones playing now. All Dwight Howard does is complain about getting mauled down low yet he get's paid to bang in front of millions. That’s like Jenna Jamison complaining about her bruised lower lips. 

 
Playing in China during the lockout won’t result in a happy ending.  If Lebron plays in China he’ll get lead poisoning from a twelve gage that he sticks in his mouth after he get’s beaten in the finals by Starbury. As usual, he’d be afraid to pull the trigger and go for the kill. How would Lebron order in a Chinese restaurant in China? Would he point at the menu and say to the waiter:  no woof, woof not once, not twice, but seven times?

Max contracts to players that have one good year is a guaranteed crap shoot that you can’t unclog no matter how much they stink up the joint. NBA players act like they can win more fans overseas the way Bill Hicks and Patrice O’Neal did in England.  But nobody overseas is looking to the NBA for added intellectual heft.  Nobody in Turkey cares about what  Deron William’s downloads on to his Kindle. 

None of the current NBA players are icons unless they were ex stars overseas.  Dirk icon, Parker icon, Petro icon, Lebron, no con. Does Derek Fisher ask Patrick Ewing for advice in labor negotiations since he was the last Union President?  Hey Patrick it's Derek, were you elected president of the players union cause of your high visibility or non vocal leadership that made you come off as a tough negotiator? I don’t see that culture clash overseas that NBA journalists keep talking about.  Lebron won’t need a translator when he gets booed for clanking an open jumper as the Chinese yell no, no, no. 

Sincerely, 
David Stern/NBA Commissioner 

Written By, Josh Kornbluth 

Dictatormania Gone Wild

How did Libyan Rebels become our tag team partners? That’s like Sergeant Slaughter pairing up with a low rent version of the Iron Sheik. Obama claims that we got into this Battle Royal because are other partners have already bum rushed the ring, like England and France round out our version of the dreaded Four Horsemen. On the Daily Show, I heard that the English refused to launch a punishing aerial attack like the Dynamite Kid from the British Bull Dogs. Can the US at least commit to character, throw on some war paint and become a pumped up, roid raging version of the Road Warriors or rip off act known as Demolition. Since 9/11, our troops have become real life road warriors that have been unleashed on every bloodthirsty Arab dictator and Terrorist group in the Middle East like a bunch of Hulkamaniacs gone wild. 

I can’t think of a staged war that’s been as poorly marketed as this one. Screw Donald Trump, Vince McMahon should run for President because if anybody knows how to drum up drama, puff up it’s soldiers and get the fans screaming for blood while also clearly painting who’s good and whose bad, it’s this guy. I don’t know what Manager is managing our troops anymore yet if we hired the Mouth of the South, Jimmy Hart, we’d know exactly what were up against, how we plan on doing it while also getting some priceless smack talking from a legendary wrestling manager that dressed like a gay country singer manager but spoke with the authority of a confederate general with the Civil War on the line.

Obama has this fixation with proving how adept he is at launching an aerial attack and running the two minute drill unlike black quarterbacks like Randall Cunningham.  Dropping bombs from the sky in Vietnam never worked so why do we still insist on shitting away more expensive weaponry on targets that have nothing to do with bombing the one dictator in power that dragged us into a pet humanitarian project that has us teaming up with illiterate rebels with no discernable leader that the Arab world can rally behind.

The bottom line is that Obama has zero experience running the two minute drill in crunch time when all of our good will capital and trust foundation with the American public is on the line yet he reprimands us for throwing a flag for a false start on the offense. Once again, Obama takes his sweet ass time to grace us with his go to game plan for ending a massacre that has less do with American interests than the Koran or David Beckham. But Obama, the all mighty moral one claims our bomb mission was responsible for preventing Ghadafi from wiping out a rebel population the size of Charlotte. Then again, I’m sure that Phillip Morris and all of the cigarette companies in Charlotte and North Carolina kill as many Americans each year if not more yet I don’t see us bombing those cancer factories.

Will bombing dictators that never bombed us ever be out of fashion? At what point will the US military and voters rise up and say: Bombing dictators that don’t attack us is so post 9/11. Then again, these hand me down wars are quite vintage. Obama claims that Libya isn’t Iraq and that we can’t afford to invest in the regime change business again but a half ass campaign of bombing and donating guns to Libyan rebels is so economically sound? What’s our exit policy on this one by the way? Do we plan on partnering up with the Undertaker and desperately lunging to tag him in so he can deliver the final death blow, bury our dictator war policy in the past and seal Gaddafi’s ashes in an urn that Keith Richards can snort.

For all this talk of Arab Neighbors joining the fight, I don’t hear any mention of any bad ass Libyan rebels that stand any real shot of wrestling away the heavy weight championship belt from Gadafi or even the Intercontinental Championship Belt considering that the rebels have no go to fighting moves or the ability to get a cheering audience on it’s feet like Super Fly Jimmy Snuka or the suave, could be confused for an Arab or Mexican, elbow flying Tito Santana. What are these Arab neighbors doing to help the rebels anyway? Picking up fan mail from the UN that they can’t read anyway?

What really burns me is the concept of this being a must have war as if Obama would miss out on the title of Greatest Humanitarian the Arab world has ever seen. Arming rebels is written off by our government as mere Monday Night Raw material and not worth the investment of pay per view money. At the same time, the two main events in Iraq and Afghanistan have lost fighting fan’s interest. At this point fighting fans are more concerned with whether the Ultimate Warrior is still alive in Mexico snorting Tequilla worms with Jim Morrison or whether Bam Bam Bigelow was burried in flaming tighty whiteies.   If Obama was interviewed on the Pipers Pit, would he get hit over the head with a coconut by Rowdy Piper or would Obama talk him into boycotting Mel Gibson films and ditching the kilt forever. I don’t know. All I know is that Dictatormania has gone wild and we need an action star like the Rock to drop the People’s Elbow on Obama and say: Do you think that America is the Arab liberation business?  It doesn’t matter what you think you Doc Rivers looking Jabroni. Know your role hope sucker.Now, I’m going to take your executive privilege, shine it up real nice and jam it up your lily, jump shooting ass, can you smelllllllllllllllll, what the Rock is cooking.

Bonds is on trial for lying about steroid use when it’s the US government that should be on trial for artificially pumping up the American public on Middle East fear and domino effect theories that have nothing to with our improving our homeland security since 9/11, one iota. Calipari is considered a disgrace on the academic level yet at least he recruits talented kids and helps mold them into stars which is a talent our US military training officers can you use knowing that they are forced to accept any dim witted Hillbilly Jim wannabe because they can’t get accepted into anything else. The US has sent Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya lawyers, guns and money yet Dad can’t get us out of this. Because the US is dad and our step father China, has no problem cutting of our trust fund if we continue to take them for granted. But when the US is at war with Terrorists, the War Chests are never dry, especially when we fight in the name of freedom and have God on our side as Bob Dylan would say.

Written By

Josh Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Knicks are slipping, falling and I can’t get it up

Amare is sick and dresses posh but will he ever be more than a sloppy second pick that’s a better shooting Bosh?

Carmelo can create off the dribble and make last second shots yet I already miss those old Knicks a lot.

Mr. Big Shot has lost the IT factor which is a pity; he’s become the clunky version of Mr. Big from Sex in the City.

Landry Fields is now lost on the peremiter. Is Carmelo that much of an offensive inhibitor?

Ronnie Turiaf is our only decent big man around but he’s French, always injured and constantly falling out of bounds.

Shawnee Williams has lost that smooth touch. Chances are, he is puffing the gange again way too much.

Tony Douglas stock continues to rise even though another playoff season is passing us by.

Spree choked PJ yet never choked away leads like these, he just looked nasty and snarled while nailing back breaking slashes or momentum changing threes.

Ewing deserves more props than them all and was never considered an overpriced wrecking ball.

Written By,

Josh Kornbluth  

 

 

 

 

 

Melo and Amare make quite a handsome pair

A real bromance has begun. Amare and Melo sitting in a SUV, cruising down the west side, BALLING. Melo and Amare are the most impressive royal couple to storm Manhattan since the Obama’s. Jeter’s receding jug head hair line can’t compete with these two galloping, gravity defying, sculpted black stallions. Sanchize can bang a teenager from Greenwich and bang Turtle’s ex all he wants but the lighter Latin looking version of Don Johnson’s partner in Miami Vice will have to make room in the VIP room at Marquee for these two by four, hardwood packing, blinged out stars that have already burned a bright hole through the garden by flashing a combined 160 million star lit smile which makes us forget that Winter is still here and that Peter Vecsey has plenty of grumbling left. New York City Sports Writers would never draw attention to a player’s looks because it would rub them raw knowing that besides natural leaping ability, that good looks was another god given gift they never received. But I’m a fringe blogger who blows commission checks on dress shirts with colorful stripes, so let’s examine the role fashion and style played in making the Knicks lock down Melo like he was the last prettiest girl at the ball to be had.

Everyone in New York says Isiah was the one who pushed Dolan to purge the talent pool in order to make room for the splashier, fancier, more decorated star like Magic Melo light who is more likely to pull of a Triple Linding than the flat footed Italian Stallion. The garden faithful will miss Gallo as much as a soggy, cooled Calzone once Melo starts swishing nets, landing winning shots and cools the heated hoopla about Miami remaining the team to beat once the grimacing three Celtics decide to retire.

While Isiah single handily brought the Knick Franchise to it’s knees, reducing into an ugly, diseased, runaway failure of the lowest order, he still dresses fly like an unfazed corporate pimp no matter how many times his stable of tricks got busted up. Nobody ever talks about it but maybe that’s why Dolan keeps Isiah so close. Dolan is no fashion plate and a real dumpy mess of a man with underfed dreams of rock and roll superstardom yet Isiah is the first rock star black GM/Blair Underwood look alike that won two rings with the Pistons who also sports five thousand dollar suits Larry Brown style yet also talks in a smooth low key patter that puts Dolan at ease. As a result, Dolan feels flat out cooler by having Isiah close to his ear, whispering sweet pleasantries like: You move better than Jim Belushi every time you take the stage at the House of Blues. You make that scruffy goatee look dignified and edgy in a barely washed, slept in my cloths, John Mcclane sort of way. Trade for Melo, castrate Donnie Walsh and let me in again for old times sake, Anucha Browne Sanders won’t get between us this time. If Judd Apatow wanted to dump Paul Rudd for a second and write a bromance about Isiah and Dolan, he could call it, “Dolan will always open the door for the Isiah, especially from the back.”

While the Knick’s gave away plenty they also have a great shot of getting the equally sexy Chris Paul who some have called an evolutionary Isiah which makes Dolan more erect than before. But Carmelo was the prettiest girl available and Dolan gave away whatever it took to land this piece of arm candy like Melo was Sharon Stone in Casino although instead of trusting Melo with his life he’s entrusting him with the future of his franchise.

Now Carmelo and Stat are the supreme fashion duo in New York, the Olsen Twins and Ponchos that cloth them can’t compete. If Carmelo and Stat sample a piece of the Olsen Twins, they’ll feel separated alright. Stat already posed as a naked black Adonis on the cover of ESPN Magazine. Plus, Anna Wintour at Vogue invited him to sit up front at Fashion Week and plans to put him on the cover of the magazine which will make us forget the stupid photo of Lebron on the cover grasping for Gisele like King Kong in a head band. It’s doesn’t get any more high fashion than Vogue and Carmelo looked like a real fashion plate on his wedding day, spotting that flashy, rich red Boutonniere in that super fly, charcoal grey tux that screamed I’m the new black elite that can’t be beat. Together, Stat and Melo are a pair of black beauties that will keep the ladies of New York occupied and up all night long.

This All-Star weekend taught me that these NBA stars are major celebrities and fashionistas in their own right and Carmelo received paparazzi treatment like no other. Can you imagine the press ever being obsessed with figuring out whether Drew Barrymore will go back to woman after dating Justin Long? Would Carmelo get all this attention if he looked more like Justin Long? I don’t think so. Is Carmelo deeper than just a fancy starlet that can tip toe around the three point line and flick up jump shots that arch beautifully like a Goose neck on ecstasy? Time will tell. But for now, the Knicks have a dashing pair of stars that will host the most rocking party at the Garden tonight. Star power, looks and the promise of the Knick’s landing one more future hottie that can put out has now made the Garden the hottest club in town.

Written By

Josh Kornbluth