My name is Paulie the Pusher the Panini . My mom tells her friends that I’m a pharmectical sales rep but I really sell performance enhancing drugs for a living, you name I got it, Ritalin, HGH, Viagra Juice. They call me the Paulie the Pusher Panini because my drugs push maximum performance.
I want to address this Jersey Shore craze once and for all because I think the show needs new representation. I’m one of the founding fathers of Guido culture, I paved the way for no talent putzaroones like Mike the Chicken Sorrentino. He wouldn’t make any money off this Jersey Shore craze if it wasn’t for my contributions to the Guido culture that’s so lucrative today. For starters, I’m the Guido responsible for discovering Cancun. Columbus stumbled upon America on the Santa Maria, while I stumbled off the deck of the Booze Cruise. Just like the great Christopher Columbus I caught something on a foreign land too.
All I ever hear on this show is how proud everyone is to be a Guido even though half of them aren’t Italian, what morons, come up with your own sense of identity, you one note, copy cats. None of you, Gold’s Gym towel boys had to breakthrough the racial barriers I faced in the seventies. Nobody remembers but back in the day Guido’s couldn’t get into any of the hot clubs in Manhattan. I changed all that when I became the first Guido to be allowed into Studio 64 with my old lifting buddy Lyle Alzado, I know that your looking over me now, spotting me from heaven. Boy, was I ripped back in the day. I could have done 50 pushups on my knuckles with Snookie on my back.
Like I was saying, I’m third generation Guido, you hear, I’m more qualified to represent this culture than Mike the Same Old Situation Sorrentino or Snookie the Snout. Another other one of my innovations that has been overlooked is the fact that I was first Guido to sport the two hoop earring look before that fairy George Michael stole that look from me, that’s the last time I’ll do coke with an androgynous stranger in a porta potty at Jones Beach during their Summer Concert Series.
Another thing I want to make clear is that I use the word Guido because I earned that right, I’m the trailblazer here, you can trace my trail of moose from here to Coda’s at the White Plains Galleria. Personally, I don’t find the word Guido offensive at all. To me, Guido just means Italian Metrosexual that can kick ass if he needs to. What’s so derogatory about that?
As far as history goes, the apex of Guido power was during the emergence of white wigger music like House of Pain in the late eighties, early nineties. We all owned at least five different pairs of Z Cavaricci's, the only drawback to these pants was all the buttons, by the time you undressed, the dumb whore would be passed out from too many Zima’s, if you didn’t have enough blow to keep her up another two minutes.
As you can see, I’m a more refined Guido than what you see on the Jersey Shore, I’m the George Hamilton of Guidos you feel me. I was the first one to install a bunk bed at home that’s part water bed part tanning bed. I smoked the chronic with Dutch Masters when the rest of those herbs tore apart their lungs with Phillies. I’ve first pumped more trim in one night in Daytona Beach than Richard Grieco can recall in a lifetime. As far as I’m concerned the only thing sadder than the current cast of Jersey Shore is a Guido in Cancun with a noticeable tan line.
One last thing I want to clear up on this show is the definition of Guido. If you talk like me and come from either New York, New Jersey or Long Island with discernable Italian roots of any kind, you’re a Guido, end of story. Were an East Coast phenomenon, the only thing bigger than our egos is the Tri-State area that gave birth to us, this is the sort of insight I can bring to the second season of Jersey Shore.
I might be perceived as a washed up Guido has-been but I can still carry this cast of losers on my back, Snookie the Snout included. I’ll take this show to new heights. We might even see Lyle Alzado peak his bandana covered head from a cloud above as he smiles down on me saying: The roid rage is gone now, but it’s not too late for you, now put a smack down on Mike the Situation Sorrentino before he gets too big of a head. I can hear the new MTV promo now, Dire Straits is playing , and you hear I want my, I want my Paulie Panini
Yours Truly,
Pauli the Pusher Panini
